All Pinzur, All The Time

Talent or TARP: You Make the Call

2009-02-13T00:56:00.002-05:00

As every media outlet, clothes outlet, and electrical outlet has noted, the United States of America and the rest of the world is currently in the midst of a severe crisis. Does not the term crisis mean enough, let alone having to note that it is severe. Have we ever seen a crisis that was only minor? Executives of these financial companies have claimed that the financial crisis is across their industry. One caveat the government is looking to require on said companies who are fighting for TARP money, is capping salary and bonuses. This is stemming from many Wall Street firms doling out billions of dollars in bonuses at a time when the firms have performed embarrassingly awful. One of the problems the financial executives are claiming with capping pay is that those companies will lose their top talent.

If this issue is industry-wide epidemic, would not each company be stuck with requiring TARP funds and therefore a cap would be instituted on each company, and the talent would have no where to go. Also, if we are saying if a company is not interested in taking TARP funds since they have maneuvered themselves in a way to be solvent without TARP funds, and therefore not have to cap pay, should not those companies benefit from this? These companies are not asking for financial help since appropriate financial constraints must already be in place. These are the companies that should succeed.

Meanwhile if the Bank of Americas and Citibanks of the country are scared to lose top talent due to financial constraints, then they need to choose between the TARP funding or not. These companies inappropriately exposed themselves, and the top personnel permitted certain employees to continue participating in deals and transactions that benefit themselves in the short-term and are not in the best interests of the company and shareholders, and without the proper review of transactions, top management should have to deal with the consequences.

We are supposed to be living in a free market society. If it were a free market, these banks should be allowed to fail. Now, I agree that we need to help with bailing out these illiquid banks, but requiring certain restrictions is the least of what Congress should be requiring. The problem stems from the prior use of TARP funds where it was given to each company with little to no restrictions and the use of the funds are unknown while the bill is passed on to John Q. and Jane M. Taxpayer. Pay restrictions capped off at $500,000 is a fair amount while the company’s loans are outstanding with the federal government.

And then there was this article published in the New York Times about how $500,000 is a lot of money for much of the country, but $500,000 in New York City just does not go as far. Although I concede their argument that $500,000 does not go as far in New York City as it does elsewhere in the country, but the suggestions as to where they spend their money are ridiculous. Stating that their way of life requires multiple lavish lifestyles most of us will never know of outside of television. Once again, our economy and country is encountering an economic period unseen since the Great Depression, that if they are to lose some of what they would live as a normal lifestyle when they are laying off thousands of workers who now can barely afford to live at all, is a completely asinine argument. Some of the arguments are $35,000 on evening gowns for the social parties they apparently have no choice but to attend, $12,000 on a personal trainer, multiple Brooks Brothers suits at $1,000 each (since last years suit is no longer good), and a chauffeur between $75,000 to $125,000. These executives should have to decrease their spending in this economy, while many of the rest of us struggle to live, until these companies can pay off their several billion dollars of loans back to the federal government, and should have to deal with the consequences of their indulgences. Does anyone else think this article was written by the CEO of the New York Times who has a few friends in the banking world? This article is inane and the New York Times, one of the world premier newspaper, should apologize to its readers and the rest of the country for publishing it. It belongs in the Enquirer well before it should be in the Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/08/fashion/08halfmill.html

Governor Rod Blagojevich: As Different from President-Elect Obama as...well, White and Black

2008-12-10T20:39:00.001-05:00

Governor Rod Blagojevich. A man I now lament voting for. The man who tried to sell the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Obama. The sad thing is he did this with no subtlety whatsoever. Governor Blagojevich did everything short of taking up an ad in all Illinois newspapers selling the seat, or placing the seat on eBay. Wouldn’t that have made more sense for the Governor to have just done that. Wouldn’t it had been easier? What would his user name have been? HotRodGov? BlaGov? (Add your names in the comment box). Maybe an ad next to all Chicago highways? Just an idea to throw out there for next time.

It seems like there was just no tact in how the governor handled this. Did he think he was above the law? That the law would not care about this? Does he think people are just that stupid? I think now it is obvious that it is he who is just that stupid. It amazes how certain people when faced with power just become completely blind with it. Whatever happened to the good ole days of statesmen working for the benefit of their constituents and for the greater good? I guess that went out the door the day people wanted to update their kitchens to include granite and stainless steel and to upgrade their car to a BMW from…well, a Schwinn.

On a personal level, I cannot wait for the hilarity of what is to ensue with his trial and to read about all the things he and his staff have done while in power. I will be curious to know if there will be farm animals involved as well. It just seems like anytime an issue pops up, farm animals are inevitably involved. I think this could be the most interesting non-economy, non-Obama story of 2009, especially in Illinois. I think his ability to run for governor again probably took a hit by this.

On top of all the fun with the governor, we now get to add his wife into the fray. When I first heard about this, the first thing I was going to note on here was a Lady MacBeth reference, but the Chicago Tribune “beat” me to the punch. Sweet, innocent Patricia Blagojevich. Her entire life she has been within arm’s reach of Chicago politics and corruption since her father was an Alderman. It sounds like from arm’s reach to, well, simply arm. She was already mentioned in many issues surrounding Tony Resko. She later joined an investment bank claiming she would be able to help with her contacts within the state, which, luckily for both her and the investment bank never seem to have materialized. Lady MacBeth could be joining her husband behind bars if enough information turns up.

Boldly Going Where No Pinzur Blog Has Gone Before....Hollywood

2008-12-03T12:22:00.003-05:00

Its good to hear that the Victoria's Secret models normally eat whatever they want...a whole grape or two. But it is even better to know that prior to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show the models gave up all sugar and carb and jumps extra rope. Now, we dont know how long the models give up their normal luxuries of whole grapes to prepare for the show, but its good to know that they worry about removing carbs and sugar like the rest of us if even for a few hours. Granted, unlike many of us, they actually dont eat carbs and sugar when they say they wont. Where many of us claim we dont, since food you eat when no one else is watching does not count....apparently....so I think no one watches each other in Wisconsin.

I wish I could make this up....but has anyone seen these people who are still suffering from the Nuclear Reactor Meltdown of Five Mile Island? I think they need help from doctors....oh, wait, that is just Donatella Versace and her daughter Allegra Beck. http://www.tmz.com/2008/12/03/like-mother-like-daughter/ Holy crap! Did their Italian Villa not have any mirrors and an over-abundance of eye make-up? Is Donatella's daughter a not-so-secret double for Marilyn Manson? True or False....if you shaved Donatella's head and removed the caked-on make-up, wouldnt she look like a man? Her Adam's Apple is bigger than mine....as is her penis. How many doctors, engineers and robotics experts are needed to keep Donatella in her current state?

Lindsay Lohan is getting angry because people are still suggesting that she still gets insanely drunk. Not ideal for the average person who has been in rehab a number of times, but ideal for someone who wants to stay in the limelight and ready to take on her next disastrous movie. She proclaims, "Do I look like I'm off the Wagon?" Lindsay, we have nothing to compare a sober you to since you were in that awful movie, "The Parent Trap" where as a child you couldnt act as a British girl and as an American.....only to be followed-up by now in your early 20s cannot act at all, let alone as a sober person.

By the way, I am loving this rumor that Paris Hilton has two new enhancements added to her empty repertoire. Two big enhancements...on her chest. Paris, we all dont think you need a breast enhancement to like you more. We all think you need a personality, intelligence, and heart implant. Why, that sounds like 2 of the three items that Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Lion were marching down the Yellow Brick Road to see the Wizard of Oz. Maybe if you go see the Wizard of Oz, he may have a few things for you. I hear the Wizard these days is anywhere but near a camera.

On a Happier Note.....

2008-12-02T15:51:00.002-05:00

Plaxico Burress, the star wide receiver on the New York football Giants was shot in the leg at a nightclub on Friday......by himself. Let me say this again, he shot himself in the leg. It was accidental, geez, good to hear he was not on a death wish by shooting himself in the leg.

Apparently his gun (which he did not have a license for a concealed weapon in New York, but that is neither here nor there right now) slipped below the waistband of his sweat pants and when he went to adjust it, the gun discharged a bullet into his leg. Now, there are like 10 hilarious things here to discuss. Lets start with this one and work our way forward. He is at a New York nightclub, where I couldnt get in with $100 bills stapled to my $1,000 suit, but he is getting in with sweat pants. Sweat Pants! Plaxico, I know you signed a large enough contract to play professional football that you can afford pants that dont stretch with you in all your movements when lifting weights. I cannot get over the fact the this professional football player, who plays for a New York team, goes to a club in sweat pants. Do we think they were the nice Russel Athletic sweat pants with the Giants logo on them or like really crummy ones he got from a second-hand store where the, wait for it, the waistband is losing its elasticity? Hmmm...maybe because of these second-hand store sweat pants with the weakening elastic the gun was able to slide down his pants. I am sure with more quality sweat pants that gun would have remaining firmly in place at waist level,

Next, lets discuss now how the gun went from being in waistband to down his pants to being fired. Doesnt it have to be....gulp..cocked to fire. I hated that whole sequence of words, but something had to cock his gun...and the only thing down his pants that could have cocked his gun would be.....his hand through his pants. What else could it be? Hmm........If only there was a stigma for black men and somehow cocking a gun down that had falled below his waistband and needs something not small to cock the down and remove the safety. If only there was something else that could have cocked the gun. I will leave this for Robert Stack and the Unsolved Mysteries team, or send Gary Sinise and the CSI:NY team to dust for prints and solve this one.

Lastly, can we discuss him with a gun in the first place? Are his bitches so difficult to deal with that he needs to cap a bullet in them? I wouldnt be able to look him in the face since I would be laughing too hysterically because of the sweat pants to be able to say anything too him. It just goes to show, if you are an athlete or a celebrity you can barely wear items that qualify as acceptable outdoor clothing and get away with it. If I wore sweat pants out of the house and my friends or family saw me they would either assume I am sick or also believe the voices in my head had finally gotten to me. They definitely would not be assuming that I was on my way to a club and packing heat in my waist band as well.

Do we think that Plax will get frisked everytime he enters a club from now on? Especially if he is wearing sweat pants. Hey Plax, I am not saying you have to spend a lot of money, but once a year Gap has a denim sale, you should go buy a pair of jeans or two. They come in an assortment of colors. Or, if you really feel like going all out, but dont want to break your bank, you can always go to Mens Wearhouse and get a pair of trousers or a suit to wear when you go out. You could get one for $600 there...and that way you would not have to feel squeezed that your annual salary of just over $4 million could not cover it. I hear if you are nice, a salvation army may have a suit in your size. Or, with the holidays approaching maybe when you wake up on Christmas morning, and you run down the stairs (or saunter due to your current wound) to your Christmas tree, maybe, oh just maybe, Santa will have brought you some pants.

Bailouts, not just your average 8-letter word anymore

2008-12-02T15:28:00.002-05:00

Bailouts seem to be the fashionable thing for industry execs these days. When the economy is doing well, these bastards have no problem raiding their own companies for every extra perk they can drain out of it, but as soon as the economy turns these same execs are asking for help or their company will fail. The sad thing, as a staunch capitalist, I have no problem with the most recent bailout of Citigroup. The fact that the federal government has equity staked in the company means that if it succeeds, the government gets money back when it sells the stock, plus Congress has final say over salary disbursements. It took Congress until the end of two-thousand fucking eight and AIG to plow through the GDPs of countries to realize that prior to giving away billions of dollars that they should probably, you know, throw a few stipulations on to the money they hand over to the same people who fucked it all up in the first place.

Now we have the auto industry begging for money like a mayor turned crack addict on the streets of Washington D.C. They are claiming they need money or the venerable companies could fail and what an awful thing it would be to have auto workers out of work. And as much as I agree that it would be awful to see these people lose their jobs, the unions they are a part of has priced them out of a job. Unions use to have great value. When the workers were in plants where safety was throw out the window and they were making enough money where they could barely afford air let alone shelter and food. Unfortunately the day of the Union has come and gone for many of them, now all they argue with is the increase of wages for its workers, which has killed them come 2008. It seems capitalism may have snagged a new victim in modern days and these companies will have to be sold or merge together to afford to survive.

Then there is my favorite industry asking for a bailout. The very same people who caused this fantastic economy that we are in today, the Home Builders. The clueless jackasses had the audacity as to go before Congress and suggest that because of the economy they caused and the struggles they are subsequently dealing with, and because they took absolutely NO precautions in thinking that they greatest real estate boom in the history of the United States could eventually end, that they should too benefit.

These companies should have to fail and deal with the consequences like every other company that cannot withstand a downturn in the economy. You know why we know the names of certain companies like GE, IBM, McDonalds, Coca-Cola and Disney? Because those companies have been able to withstand economic downturns and succeed in robust economic stretches. Is it because the company sells a better product or offers a better service? Perhaps, but not definite. I would say it is because the defining principles of capitalism are that the strong survive and flourish and the weak cease to exist. To those homebuilders, I hope you enjoyed the good times when you thought you were the greatest thing to happen to this country, cause you will be remembered for you pleading for your company's life in embarrassing fashion. Yay for Capitalism! Eventually everything evens out.

Afghanistan, we have forgotten you

2008-11-23T13:48:00.002-05:00

Apparently we have forgotten Afghanistan. The major issue post-September 11 was attacking the Taliban for providing full accomodations including room service, full spa privledges and access to the pool to Al Qaeda. Then came our fearless leader's desire to protect oil and give business to his buddy, the vice president......I mean find those weapons of mass destruction that magically were never found, and invade Iraq. Afghanistan became the red-headed stepson quickly in the media. You rarely hear anything about what is happening in Afghanistan. Hopefully this means that us cramming "democracy" down their throats whether they want it or not, is producing the wanted effects, but I am guessing that it is progressing as quick as one would imagine it would in a part of the world where women are still not allowed to make any valuable additions to society.

Afghanistan finally did may some headlines today in the news where the Afghan President Hamid Karzai said that President-elect Obama promised him that the U.S. would provide more aid and assistance to Afghanistan. Seems like a good decision to help out a country that we decided needed to change, that we should help them out until one of us gives up on Afghanistan ever being a viable democratic nation.

The only downside to this promise, and I have a feeling the new administration will not care, but opposition will claim that President-elect Obama's possible ties to Islam are the only reason we are increasing our aid. This is an incredibly incorrect way to view the situation. We forced, and correctly so, the Taliban out of power. Now we need to continue to aid the struggling government to maintain control and stay away from mob issues and eventually a power grab by the Taliban. God Speed, Pres. Karzai, you are going to need it.

Why the need to appoint certain people?

2008-11-22T00:33:00.002-05:00

I am very happy that Barack Obama is our current President-elect. I was very happy with one of the first appointments being Rahm Emanuel to Chief of Staff. But why are we happy with the president-elect who was the candidate in a campaign that did things totally different than had been done in a presidential campaign in a long time. Yet, with appointments to his cabinet it seems like he is trying to not offend people more than trying to appoint who he and his advisors think best. Why do you want Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State? She said some awful things about him just to hope to win the democratic nomination. When she failed, so should everything else in public service for her. Now we are commending her on her well-fought, personal attacks on President-Elect Obama by handing her a huge position in his cabinet. She is well suited for the position, but one of the things that should happen that after you fight a mean-spirited campaign, you should have to sit back and ride out the process for the first four years. This is not the post-Aaron Sorkin "The West Wing" where everything is hugely dramatic but everything always works out in the end. No, this is real life. Where we elect a moron to the highest post in the world not once, but twice. Where we followed the greatest non-wartime economic growth in one presidential administration to the worst economic recession since the S&L crisis, if not before then in the following administration. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis is more so dependent on the world economy than ever before and one of the things the highest elected official in this country, and the most powerful man in the world should be able to pick the best for the position and one who will follow in his lead. Not lay down insults, and now try to save face and put on the worst acting face I have seen since I went to see a friend's play of Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman where I think a salesman was killed by Joey Budafuco. The script was ripped to shreds worse than what Jeffrey Dahmer did to his lunch snack on a victims liver.

Now is a time for our President-elect to rise to greatness, and give him all the tools for him to re-craft our country and the globe into a place where the USA is respected again for the right things. It is time for all of us, President-elect, his cabinet and all his constituents to rise to the occasion and put below our petty issues and do whatever is needed to act like a phoenix and rise from the ashes. We can and should focus and doing what we can to re-build this country into something great again. We will have a face and a brain in the White House that we can all be proud of, we need to accept the responsibility that he cannot do it alone. We must all find a way to improve, and become great again.

Over?

2006-05-11T10:57:00.000-05:00

Over? This Blog Over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No! And it aint over now!

Well, this Blog might be, but I finally realized that since I now have four people that report to me, and my actual day-to-day duties declining, I have more free time during the day. To which I have decided to re-introduce my Sports Blog and I will be unveiling a NEW blog featuring....ME! All about Noah. What could be better than that? If you said Heroin, you are correct. Other than that, nothing is other than a nice MLT sandwhich, where the Mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes and nice and ripe.

Crossing The Streams

2006-04-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

From Ghost Busters:

Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad?"
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

Total protonic reversal be damned... this blog may be all-but-dead (and that's generous, I know), but I've launched a new one that's exclusively about the one thing I never blogged about here: my job.

Miami Gradebook is one of just a handful of newspaper education blogs in the country, and I have no idea whether it will take off or implode. If you're curious, though, please take a few minutes to check it out at http://miamieducation.blogspot.com.

Yes, many of the Miami Herald's official blogs are hosted on Blogger. It's some kind of funky contract-technology-corporate thing that's supposed to be rectified later this year. Just go with it.

Game Over, Wilma! Game Over!

2005-10-29T17:24:00.000-05:00

We came home this afternoon to find our power restored. I have had a hot shower, confirmed the Tivo survived intact and now plan to celebrate with multiple alcoholic beverages.

Thank you and goodnight.

Day 5: I Smell

2005-10-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

Today's picture is the cover of Miami New Times, our local weekly paper:

For the record, I have showered almost every day... but ice-cold showers don't seem to get you as soapy-fresh as a nice, hot one.

We had an electricity development last night which was either excellent or tragic: most of the other buildings on our block got power back. That probably means one of two things:

1. Now that our grid is on, they'll come repair the downed lines in front of our building quickly because they don't want live lines on the ground. Result: power sometime today or tomorrow.

2. Now that our gird is on, they'll move on to restoring other full grids and not come back to repair downed lines until all the grids are on. Result: power sometime around Thanksgiving.

Lady Pinz's office still doesn't have power. It's driving her crazy being home all day, but at least she's not burning any gas. I'm down to about a half tank - the Miami Herald never sleeps, folks, and I've been here every day. The lines at most gas stations between downtown Miami (where I work) and our suburb are three to five hours long, so no way I'm getting involved in that. The newspaper has managed to bring in some gas every now and then, so I'm hoping to get some today. We're also hoping that electricity will be plentiful enough in Miami-Dade by this weekend that the lines will subside.

Which brings me to a question... at the risk of channelling Pup: What the fuck are you thinking, people?
If you didn't fill up with gas before the storm, you're an idiot.
If you've been driving around since the storm just to see the chaos, you're an idiot.
If you're burning 10 gallons to wait in line at a gas station that's limiting purchases to 7 gallons, you're an idiot.

Just stop. Leave the gas to people who have jobs to do.

Of course, it's also possible I'm just getting cranky.

Hours of (No) Power

2005-10-26T09:07:00.000-05:00

Post-Wilma Day 2, and not much has changed.

It's been a number of years since South Florida took a direct hit like this, and it's been strange to live out the cliches that we've seen develop in all the other hurricanes of the last few years.

Most of our friends weathered the storm OK - we've only heard a few really bad stories. One couple in the west Broward suburbs, some of our best friends, lost about half their roof. They managed to cover it with a tarp, and luckily it hasn't rained since the storm ended, but it's going to be very hard to find a roofer for the next few months. Another couple - one of Lady Pinz's coworkers and her boyfriend - lost many of the windows in their house and took in a ton of water. One of my friends at the newspaper may have had pretty severe damage to her elderly mother's house in Boca. She went up there this morning to see how bad it is and start digging her out.

It's really hard to hear your friends go through this stuff and not be able to do much of anything. Supplies are hard to find (as are people who know how to use them) and it's risky to travel very far until more gas stations start to come online.

There have been very few fatalities - seven, at last count - so people have largely been taking the huge damage in stride. Condos and neighborhoods really do end up bonding a lot during these times. Everyone from our building has been meeting up every evening on the pool deck to grill whatever food is left in the Frigidaire and pool supplies of beer and wine. We've gotten to know our neighbors better in the last 48 hours than in the previous 14 months we've lived in the building.

The weather has been blissfully cool - 70s during the day, high 50s at night - so we've been able to sleep comfortably with the windows open, even without A/C. Not sure how much longer that's going to last, though, because the weather is supposed to get back to normal Florida levels by the weekend.

We have only the vaguest idea when we'll get power back. The power company said the majority of South Florida should have power back by Nov. 7, 95 percent by Nov. 14 and the rest by Nov. 21. My gut tells me we'd normally be in the first group because our block is all condos and they try to restore to large groups of people first. But we have a lot of downed lines on our street, so I'm thinking we may not get it back 'til that second group.

Frankly, if we don't get it back by Nov. 5, it doesn't much matter - Lady Pinz and I leave on a long-awaited cruise on the morning of the 6th and don't get back for a week. We've got enough food, water and wine to get through that time.

People are definitely getting back on the roads today, and that's not a good thing. Drivers have been surprisingly polite about treating broken lights (read: all lights) as four-way stops, but tempers are starting to get short. The few gas stations that have power also have lines more than a mile long, and we've heard about some fights breaking out.

The bigger problem is for people who didn't stockpile water and food: FEMA. Everyone's favorite disaster agency is coming under fire again down here. All kinds of silly administrative things have messed up distribution of water, ice and meals-ready-to-eat, according to stories coming into the newsroom and over radio. Trucks were filled with supplies but had no gas. Trucks got to distribution points but weren't allowed to unload because there was no FEMA official on site to supervise. Wilma hit 48 hours ago, but some of the sites still haven't opened.

We both filled our tanks before the storm, but I still have to come to work every day. I can probably get through the beginning of next week, and by that time there should be enough gas stations open.

Inexplicably, the generator at our condo is still running. It only powers the hallways lights and a few outlets in the lobby, but that's a lot more than most people have, and we're sharing the juice to charge phones and computers and run a few coffee pots. At first, I thought it was some kind of early Hannukkah miracle - the generator with enough gas for a few hours runs for days. This morning, someone speculated that our generator must run off natural gas. No one knows for sure, but that seems the most logical explanation to me - I don't think a generator in a small condo building would hold enough gas to run for 48 hours.

So, that's the situation as we find it this morning. The Herald is back at full power and publishing a full paper, even though many of our largest bureaus are unusable, so the newsroom is full and bustling and spectacular. Thankfully, we have lots of coffee.

Wilma Redux

2005-10-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

We actually weathered the storm pretty well - much better than some of the buildings nearby. We had a little damage to the roof, but nothing major. Our condo is fine, albeit without electricity for the foreseeable future. The worst of it hit us between 7 a.m. and noon today - not terribly much rain, but ridiculous winds. Transformers started exploding on our block around 7 a.m. and we lost power for good about an hour later. But we're well stocked with water and food and wine, so we're very zen about the whole thing.

If you need to find us, use the home number because cell service is practically nonexistant and we can only get email as long as my laptop has some juice.

I drove around for a few hours after the storm passed to do some reporting for the Herald, monitoring the neighborhoods of Northeast Dade and Southeast Broward counties near our building. The worst was just a few blocks east of us along the ocean in Hallandale - a 250-foot construction crane snapped near the Diplomat hotel, dropping across all six lanes of A1A.

A few condo buildings were decimated - all the glass blown out, leaving lobbies and gyms and some condo units swamped. In a few buildings, the winds picked up cars and dropped them on top of other cars, and a few other buildings had the walls and railings of balconies sheared clean away. There are lots of downed trees and, therefore, lots of downed power lines. Some side streets are flooded out, and many more are entirely blocked by uprooted trees. In the building across the street from us, in fact, an uprooted tree crushed a car, and I saw many more of those situations at other buildings. Other parking lots had whole lines of cars whose windshields were sucked out.

We don't have too much news about the rest of the city, just what I've gathered from my colleagues at the Herald. Much of South Florida is without power. A number of high-rises in Miami and Fort Lauderdale had all their glass shattered. All the hospitals are running on generators. The airports are shut down entirely. The Herald has some backup power, but not enough to run the presses - we're publishing out of the Sun-Sentinal's pressroom tonight.

I expect to be back at the Herald newsroom tomorrow for most of the day. We doubt that Lady Pinz's office will have power for at least a day or two.

Mostly, though, we're just very thankful to be safe and to hear hardly any reports of casualties. It's turning into a lovely evening here, so we're bringing a bottle of wine down to to watch the sunset.

Hope those of you in South Florida are doing OK.

Wiiiiilll-MA!

2005-10-18T07:54:00.000-05:00

My birthday is Friday.
My birthday party - just a few friends getting together on the waterfront pool deck at our condo - is Saturday.
This is the track for Hurricane Wilma as of 8 a.m. today:

If you're not familiar with Florida geography, our building is pretty much right under that dot labeled "2 a.m. Sunday."

If you're not familiar with hurricanes, the weather turns to crap about 12 hours before the eye arrives.

Now, the five-day forecasts are subject to a lot of error - the eye could actually end up anywhere in that Cone of Despair - but this officially sucks.

Comment Whores

2005-10-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I can't seem to delete the sudden flood of spam in comments. So all three of you who read this blog will need to deal with the little verification thing-a-ma-bob now. The terrorists have won.

Free Blogger Poker Tourney

2005-10-07T19:45:00.000-05:00

I like poker. I especially like free poker with prizes. Hence:

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 1424138

It's happening Oct. 23. All the cool kids are doing it.

Well, all the cool kids who have blogs. So... none of the cool kids. But a lot of the rest of us are doing it.

Mind of The Beast

2005-09-14T07:59:00.000-05:00

Some of the top editors here at Ma Herald have started a blog about their management decisions: ethical issues, debates about what stories to run in which positions with which photos, etc.

I rarely blog about goings-on at the newspaper, for a wide variety of reasons (I believe that the most interesting internal stuff should probably stay internal, and I've seen others get burned by sources or readers for putting their random musings online) but some of their stuff could be interesting to people who are curious about media.

It remains to be seen how dilligent they'll be in posting, but so far there's been quite a bit. I'll put a link to it on the sidebar sometime today.

Closer To Fame

2005-09-12T09:49:00.000-05:00

Check out the new CBS Sportsline homepage for Official Pinzur Friend Dave Richard, a senior fantasy football columnist for CBS. He was also Official Fantasy Consultant for my team this year (the Crapshots, indicating my relative chances of winning without his aid).

The backstory of the Pinzur-Richard friendship is a happy little tale, at least to the seven people bored enough to read this blog:

Dave's wife is Karen, and her parents have been very close friends with Momma and Poppa Pinz since before time began. Karen and Little Pinz and I were among about a dozen kids who were practically raised together by this close circle of our parents' friends, five couples affectionately (and, I guess, a little sinsterly) known as The Group. We all had big get-togethers at least every few months - mostly your traditional non-family holidays like Labor Day, Memorial Day, etc.

While all the kids were friendly, we mostly lived just far enough apart to attend different schools. I don't ever remember us being an especially tight-knit group, with a few exceptions, so it was easy for us to drift apart as we went to college and out into The World.

Karen, who is just about a year older than me, moved to South Florida after high school (I think she graduated in '93) and went to Lynn University in Boca. I didn't move down to Miami until '02, and didn't see Karen (or meet Dave, by then already her husband) until early '03 at a now-infamous dinner.

It was just a few months after Lady Pinz and I had started dating... my parents happened to be in town at the same time as two other couples from The Group, including Karen's parents. A fourth couple from The Group had already met Rachel when they were in town a few weeks prior, but this was a crucial night - the approval of The Group may be of marginal importance to us kids, but is ultra-important to our parents.

Luckily, it all went incredibly well. Everyone naturally loved Lady Pinz, who is far more personable than I am. Karen's youngest brother, who was (I think) around 13 at the time, amused everyone by walking on his hands along Lincoln Road, the strip of cafes and shops on South Beach where we were eating. I think he eventually passed himself off as one of the street performers who hit up tourists for dollar bills. Lady Pinz and I bonded with Dave and Karen, who live about 45 minutes away, and we've been friends ever since. Funny how things like that work out...

Also funny is the postscript to the dinner, which we didn't learn until after we were engaged: the wives of The Group are also known (at least among themselves) as the Bet Din, a Hebrew word for a court presided over by a panel of judges. Evidently, an informal vote of the Bet Din was taken as they walked back to their cars that night, and Lady Pinz received a crucial, vocal, enthusiastic endorsement. We had consumed a lot of wine that night, of course, but I'm pretty sure it was a fair ballot.

That's one theory...

2005-09-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

From the Philly Inquirer:

Speaking to a large crowd in South Philadelphia last night, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan suggested that the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina was divine punishment for the violence America had inflicted on Iraq.

"New Orleans is the first of the cities going to tumble down... unless America changes its course," Farrakhan said.

"It is the wickedness of the people of America and the government of America that is bringing the wrath of God down," he told several hundred people at Tinsley Temple United Methodist Church.

His remarks were enthusiastically received.

He was in town as part of a multicity tour designed to drum up support for an Oct. 15 event in Washington designed to build on and commemorate the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March he organized in 1995. The new effort is called the Millions More Movement.

Farrakhan made similar remarks at a luncheon hosted by District 33 of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, which represents blue-collar city workers.

"The justice of God is coming home now," he said in an hour-long speech. Among those attending were City Councilwoman Jannie Blackwell, Mayor Street's son Sharif Street, and Imam Shamsud-din Ali, the Muslim cleric convicted in the City Hall corruption probe.

If you ask LiAps nicely, he'll tell you how one of Farrakhan's disciples messed up his Valentine's Day back in '97.

Reading Is Good

2005-08-29T08:39:00.000-05:00

There are many stories to tell from our annual trip when, like swallows to Capistrano, our college gang migrates to Las Vegas. Regular readers will recognize James and Andrew (of furdell.com fame), LiAps, Pup and both Big and Lil' Pinz.

There was my personal gambling record (22 hours), there was the crazy lady cursing in Chinese as the Pai Gow table... good times were had by most.

We'll get things going with this, possibly the funniest story in our long history of Vegas trips.

We always make it a point to schedule one off-the-strip adventure. Previous ones have included hiking at Red Rocks and driving out to Area 51. This year we went for minor-league baseball, courtesy of the Las Vegas 51's, who were hosting (I am not making this up) the Portland Beavers.

Cashman Field is a very pretty, very homey little ballpark, and many of the few hundred fans appeared to be regulars, including the 4- or 5-year-old girl sitting in front of us with her father.

She took deep umbrage when LiAps noted that the 51's mascot, Cosmo, bears a striking resemblance to a certain CGI-created Star Wars character.

LiAps, being a lover of children everywhere, dutifully warned everyone in the group not to mention the offensive Star Wars character's name within earshot of Little Girl. Sadly, Little Pinz did not heed the warning, prompting this conversation:

Little Pinz: something about Cosmo looking like Jar-Jar

Little Girl: (indignantly) He's not Jar-Jar! He's Cosmo!

LiAps: Yeah, Little Pinz. Didn't you see the name on his uniform?

Little Pinz: Oh, c'mon, LiAps. You know I can't read.

Little Girl: WELL YOU SHOULD LEARN!

Wise words from a young girl.

Pinzur Sports is Back

2005-07-21T17:10:00.000-05:00

I was on a little hiatus on both blogs, but the Sports one is back....if I have anything interesting (well, interesting to me and probably will make no sense to anyone else) I will post it. Remember, that site is www.pinzursports.blogspot.com

Must be White Sox fans...

2005-07-19T09:56:00.000-05:00

Note the "SOUTH SIDE" dateline on this Chicago Tribune story:

Teen boys damage city school buses

Published July 18, 2005

SOUTH SIDE -- Between 10 and 15 teenage boys broke into a school bus parking lot Saturday night and started slamming buses into each other "demolition-style," a Chicago police spokeswoman said.

As many as 10 school buses were damaged and two were driven through the brick wall of a South Side storage facility Saturday, police news affairs officer Patrice Harper said.

It appeared several people climbed the fence of a parking lot in the 1000 block of West 111th Street and began driving the buses recklessly and smashing them into one another about 9 p.m., police spokesman David Banks said. "There weren't any major crashes, mostly bumper-to-bumper damage," Banks said.

No one was in custody Sunday, Harper said.

Remember me this way...

2005-07-12T12:58:00.000-05:00

I have no intention of checking out any time soon, but when I do, please follow the spirit of this death notice from the Raleigh News & Observer. I've highlighted my favorite parts:

On June 3, 2005 at 10:45 p.m. in Memphis, Tennessee, Dorothy Gibson Cully, 86, died peacefully, while in the loving care of her two favorite children, Barbara and David. All of her breath leaked out. The mother of four children, grandmother to 11, great-grandmother to nine, devoted wife for 56 years to the late Ralph Chester Cully and a true friend to many, Dot had been active as a volunteer in the Catholic Church and other community charities for much of the past 25 years.
She was born the second child of six in 1919 as Frances Dorothy Gibson, daughter to Kathleen Heard Gibson and Calvin Hooper Gibson, an inventor best known as the first person since the Middle Ages to calculate the arcane lead-to-gold formula. Unable to actually prove this complex theory scientifically, and frustrated by the cruel conspiracy of the so-called "scientific community" working against his efforts, he ultimately stuck his head in a heated gas oven with a golden delicious apple propped in his mouth. Miraculously, the apple was saved for the evening dessert. Calvin was not.

Native Marylanders and long time Baltimore, Kent Island and Ocean City residents, Ralph and Dot later resided in Lakeland, Florida and Virginia Beach, Virginia. Several years after Ralph's death, Dot moved to Raleigh in 2001, where she lived with her son, David.

At the time of her death, Dot was visiting her daughter, Carol in Memphis. Carol and her husband, Ron, away from home attending a "very important conference" at a posh Florida resort, rushed home 10 days later after learning of the death. Dot's other children, dutifully at their mother's side helping with the normal last minute arrangements - hospice notification, funeral parlor notice, revising the last will, etc. - happily picked up the considerable slack of the absent former heiress.

Dot is warmly remembered as a generous, spiritually strong, resourceful, tolerant and smart woman, who was always ready to help and never judged others or their shortcomings. Dot always found time to knit sweaters, sew quilts and send written notes to the family children, all while working a full time job, volunteering as Girl Scout leader and donating considerable time to local charities and the neighborhood Catholic Church.

Dot graduated from Eastern High School at 15, worked in Baltimore full time from 1934 to 1979, beginning as a factory worker at Cross & Blackwell and retiring after 30 years as property manager and controller for a Baltimore conglomerate, Housing Engineering Company, all while raising four children, two of who are fairly normal.

An Irishwoman proud of and curious about her heritage, she was a voracious reader of historical novels, particularly those about the glories and trials of Ireland. Dot also loved to travel, her favorite destination being Eire's auld sod, where she dreamed of the magic, mystery and legend of the Emerald Isle.

Dot Cully is survived by her sisters, Ginny Torrico in Virginia, Marian Lee in Florida and Eileen Adams in Baltimore; her brother, Russell Gibson of Fallston, Maryland; her children, Barbara Frost of Ocean City, Maryland, Carol Meroney of Memphis, Tennessee, David Cully of Raleigh, North Carolina and Stephen Cully of Baltimore, Maryland. Contributions to the Wake County (NC) Hospice Services are welcomed. Opinions about the details of this obit are not, since Mom would have liked it this way.

Small-town journalism at its finest

2005-06-27T16:32:00.000-05:00

Almost hard to believe that this front page upset readers of the Daily Tidings in Ashland, Oregon.

Living the Dream

2005-06-24T14:33:00.000-05:00

For those of you who missed pictures of the guy who converted his '95 Civic into a Star Wars A-Wing Fighter, here's his soulmate:

This guy converted his apartment into a Star Trek starship. I'm talking kitchen, bathroom - the whole shebang.

I really hope these guys meet one day.

Housekeeper Etiquette

2005-06-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

By and large, the Pinzur household runs pretty smoothly. I really love to cook and happily manage the finances. Lady Pinz cleans up my cooking messes - and does it with a smile - and does an impeccable job of keeping the social calendar and making sure we remember birthdays, anniversaries and other sundry occasions with cards and gifts.

But we both hate cleaning, and we hate it a lot. Up until now, this has been the solution:
1. Put off cleaning for as long as possible, until it starts to disgust Lady Pinz and almost reach the point where I notice.
2. Lady Pinz decides she will clean on a forthcoming Saturday or Sunday.
3. Lady Pinz gets in a bad mood anticipating the cleaning, gets in a worse mood during the cleaning, and stays in a bad mood for a good 36 hours. I generally volunteer to help, but am given limited duties because, frankly, I don't think she trusts me to clean up to her standards.

So I finally decided to retain the services of a professional cleaning-the-house-type person. I don't even know the correct terminology these days: maid? housekeeper? custodial engineer?

A young Peruvian woman who works for the local transit authority and cleans houses on the weekends was recommended by one of my coworkers and sounds perfectly lovely on the phone. Paying her $40 or $50 in exchange for a clean home and happy wife seems like an incredibly good investment.

Here, however, is my dilemma: I have no idea what kind of etiquette covers these situations. We had a lady who cleaned my parents' house once a week while we were growing up, but we rarely saw her because she left before we got home from school. Since I graduated high school more than a decade ago, I have never hired anyone to clean up after me, and I still have no idea how to behave when such a person is actually in the house.

Since we've never met this woman, obviously we want to be at home while she's cleaning. But it's not exactly a palace: two bedrooms and a living room. I can't imagine not feeling awkward if she's scrubbing the windows or mopping the floor while I'm on my ass watching TV. By the same token, though, I ain't about to pick up a broom and help.

Moreover, she charges $10 an hour, which is an absolute steal. Since she doesn't work for a service, she keeps 100 percent of that... but I imagine there's still an expectation of some kind of tip on top of that, right?

Post advice, suggestions and other supportive information in comments.

IT'S A COOKBOOK!!

2005-06-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

It's a cookbook!!

Serving Our Children is a cookbook!!

Listen to Lloyd Bochner when he tries to teach you something, for God's sake!

And if Charlton Heston gives you any tips on this topic... listen!

Photo-Blogging Memphis

2005-05-31T14:26:00.000-05:00

We packed a whole lot of tourist-ing into our one day in Memphis. Our flight landed by 8 a.m. and we didn't have any committments until the 7 p.m. wedding. We picked up our rental car and headed directly to...

GRACELAND

This was almost nothing like what I expected. Over the last 15 or 20 years, Elvis has become so kitsch, I figured Graceland would be really over-the-top and slightly self-mocking.

Absolutely not. This is an irony-free zone.

My favorite part about buying tickets for Graceland: the basic tour of the mansion is $20. For $27, you get the mansion plus a tour of a few of Elvis' planes and his car collection. But for something like $55, you get the VIP TREATMENT: the exact same tours as the $27 version, but you can go back as often as you want ON THE SAME DAY! You also a human tour guide instead of the little MP3 audio player, you ride a prettier bus on the half-block ride from the ticket center to mansion and you get a laminated VIP pass. Yeah, we did the $20 tour.

The mansion itself is smaller than I expected - the grounds are huge and gorgeous, but the house is not ginormous or anything. The tour doesn't go upstairs (according to Lisa Marie on the audio tour, Elvis never permitted guests upstairs), but the downstairs rooms are all in their original condition with original stuff. A few of my favorites:

Elvis' den, where he watched three TVs at once because he heard that's what the President did.

The kitchen, where all the peanut-butter-and-banana magic happened.

Elvis built a racquetball court in a small building behind the mansion, and this lounge outside the court had a neat old pinball machine that James would love.

The famous Jungle Room was also way cool, but they were hard-core about not allowing flash (God forbid any of the original Elvis bricabrac fade) and none of the pictures came out too well. You would be amazed how many old people cannot figure out how to turn off the flash on their cameras.

I really liked this sign, which hung on the door of the office used by Elvis' father:

There was also, not suprisingly, a ton of Elvis memorabilia, including a bunch of his late-career jumpsuits and a room with all his gold and platinum records. A few shots:

This painting was not velvet:

The tour ends at the Presley family graves, where people file past in great solemnity...

... and leave tributes like this:

As I said earlier, we didn't have time to see some of the other Graceland sites, such as the Heartbreak Hotel or the three restaurants or the four gift shops. We had to move onto...

DOWNTOWN MEMPHIS

... which looks like it's just starting to reemerge after years of decay, or is just reaching the nadir of that decay. Either way, there's not much going on.

The Peabody Hotel is goregous, at least in the lobby (the rooms were a little shabby). Ducks live in the lobby fountain and parade around twice a day. The tradition began almost 100 years ago when the manager and his buddy, drunk after a day of duck hunting, put some of their live decoys in the fountain.

We also shagged a quick lunch at the legendary Rendezvous, a great rib joint that is literally in an alley. It's become kind of a tourist spot, apparently, and isn't nearly as ghetto as we'd been told by people who went there 20 or 30 years ago.

The ribs were amazing. In true Memphis style, they're done with a dry rub instead of a wet sauce... but then you can kick 'em up with a great tomato-based BBQ sauce. They were so good. But we couldn't linger too long if we wanted to visit...

MUD ISLAND

Mud Island sits in the middle of the Mississippi River, right in downtown Memphis. It's accessible by a monorail or a pedestrian bridge. Its main attraction for locals is a pretty outdoor concert amphitheater. Its main attraction for tourists and kids is a scale model of the lower Mississippi, flowing with water and twisting and turning just where the river does. Here's a small part of it, seen from above:

It starts at the top with waterfalls that represent the rivers that feed the Mississippi, like this one:

We walked all the way downstream, where it ends with a "Mississippi Delta" and a "Gulf of Mexico" and, of course, a "snack bar." The snack bar does not sell french fries:

One step is equivalent to one mile, so it's about a mile walk to do the entire length and come back. After walking down, we decided to take a lesson from the kids and wade through the water on the way back up. The groud is really uneven, meant to mimic the changing depth of the actual river, but it was fun to splash around in the hot afternoon.

That's about all there is worth sharing... after Mud Island, we went to a lovely wedding, partied with the bride and groom and slept for a few hours before our early-Sunday flight back to Florida.

Who is this guy?

2005-05-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Some guy has made a niche writing hilarious product reviews on Amazon. I urge you to read them here. Among my favorites:

- For pink "breast-cancer awareness" Post-Its: After someone gave me these Post-It notes, I became aware of the terrible disease known as breast cancer. Prior to using the notes, it had not occurred to me that oncogenes might have a special scourge for the ladies (and some feminine men, too!). Now that I know, I will not make any more loud jokes at the bar about how lucky chicks are not to have prostates, and how I wish they had a cancer of their very own like men do! I guess that the existence of breast cancer finally explains why those jokes usually fell flat. Thank you, 3M, for making me aware of this insiduous disease.

- For Anal-Eze lube:Anal Eze is fantastic! First of all, it is strawberry flavored. I was concerned that my anal lube would not be flavored and therefore I would not get to enjoy the taste of artificially flavored lube tinged with fecal matter.
The second selling point of Anal Eze is that no batteries are required. This is excellent, since lubricants that require batteries tend to be painful on the sensitive genital regions. Electricity doesn't mix well with nuts.
Finally, I love that Anal Eze has a desensitizing agent. It makes it possible for me to use Anal Eze in my torture dungeon without my victims complaining too much. It also helps to numb my tongue so the chunks in the fecal-lube mixture are not so objectionable.

For Hebrew National Beef Franks In A Blanket:I thought Hebrews weren't allowed to have their franks in a blanket. Isn't that what the bris is all about?

Good stuff.

By the way, pictures and stories from our trek through Graceland and Mud Island coming later this week.

Danny Tanner: XXX

2005-05-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

A story in Slate contained a link to this profile of Bob Saget, which originally ran in the New York Observer. I urge you to read it, right now. It contains the following passage:

In comedy circles, there’s a famous Saget story about the night his first daughter was born. After a very difficult birth, during which Sherri Saget and her baby almost died, a friend showed up to find Mr. Saget looking utterly destroyed, unshaven, unrecognizable, but holding his newborn.

“Oh my God, Bob, she’s beautiful,” the friend said.

“For a dollar, you can finger her,” Mr. Saget replied.

“This story continually comes back to me,” he said, groaning. “Oh boy, I was a wreck, and I was just operating on whatever sick mode I’m always in anyway. I don’t remember, but I don’t think a dollar is enough money for something that crosses the line that much. I would have said $5.

Yes, it's the same Bob Saget. Yes, he's evidently really that fucked up. No, I don't think he ever got with the Olson twins. Yes, I'm sure he tried.

I'm also predicting that the documentary discussed in the profile, The Aristocrats, will be huge when it's released this summer.

Walkin' in Memphis

2005-05-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

Lady Pinz and I are going to be in Memphis for about 26 hours later this month attending my friend's wedding. We fly in Saturday morning, fly back Sunday morning. That's going to leave us about four to six hours to kill on Saturday afternoon before we need to get clean, get dressed and get to the wedding.

My natural inclination is to go to Graceland, because it seems like the sort of place I ought to see, and when the hell else am I going to be in Memphis.

But, frankly, this description doesn't make me think it's worth $40 a couple:

Just outside the ticket office is a shuttle to take guests across Elvis Presley Boulevard to enter Elvis' 14-acre estate. With the new digital audio guide featuring the voices of Lisa Marie and Elvis, guests enjoy a specially produced audio tour presentation and even more information on specific exhibits and items of interest. (I have to pay to listen to Lisa Marie? I won't even listen to her for free on the radio.)

The mansion tour consists of the living room, music room, Elvis' parents' bedroom, the dining room, kitchen, TV room, pool room, and “jungle” den in the main house, and, behind the house, Elvis’ racquetball building and his original business office. (Second reference in this post to the Marc Cohn song: "There's a pretty little thing, waiting for the King, down in the Jungle Room.")

Recently opened was a section of the mansion that was previously closed to the public. The tour now includes never-before-seen items like the desk from Elvis’ personal office and an extensive collection of his stage costumes.

The highlight of the mansion tour is Elvis’ trophy building, which houses his enormous collection of gold records and awards, along with an extensive display of career mementos, stage costumes, jewelry, photographs, and much more. The tour ends with a quiet visit to the Meditation Garden, where Elvis and members of his family have been laid to rest. Shuttles return guests to the plaza. The tour lasts approximately 60-90 minutes.

So maybe we need alternatives.

Possibly the National Civil Rights Museum, which would be a laudable destination but sounds a little too heavy to pack between a flight, a wedding and another flight.

There's also something called Mud Island, which appears to be cooler than its name suggests (though not as girl-on-girl-wrestling dirty as I'd hoped):

The River Walk is one of the most unique representations of the Mississippi River in the world. It is a 5-block long replica of the lower Mississippi river, from Cairo, IL, to New Orleans, LA. Each 30" stride is equivalent to one mile on the actual river. Along your journey, you'll revisit historical events and learn about geographical transformations.

The "1,000" mile journey concludes at the Gulf of Mexico, a one acre enclosure that holds 1.3 million gallons of water. There, visitors can enjoy a leisurely pedal boat ride around the Gulf area with the Memphis skyline in the background.

It also has two restaurants, and I wouldn't mind being able to tell people I ate at Mud Island, but the menu doesn't have any cleverly named food like MudBurgers or DirtDogs, so maybe not.

I also might try to find a barbque joint where my dad once went for ribs. It's evidently in a pretty dicey area, and he had to argue with the waitress for 10 minutes because the place had an unwritten policy against serving the hottest sauce to white people. So that would be cool.

Any other suggestions?

Serious readers?

2005-04-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

Over the last few months, I've been working on starting an online book club with some friends, colleagues, family members, etc. We're mostly reading contemporary fiction, but we're still figuring out exactly what we're doing...

If any of you guys are interested, feel free to check out the group's website, which shows the books we've picked for the next few months.

If you're interested in joining - which doesn't obligate you to actually participate every month for every book - drop me an email.

What have we become?

2005-04-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

A select look at some recent Google searches that have led people to All Pinzur, All The Time:

"Oren Aviv, wife": I can't even begin to imagine who Oren Aviv is, who his/her wife is or what was written here to draw their attentions. But I wish Oren well.

404 Pinzur Not Found: Someone presumably looking for cousin found us with "Jamie Pinzur," who, incidentally, has been married and carrying a new last name for the last six months. Another search for "Pinzur MD" was either looking to us for a new NBC medical drama or trying to find my father. I wish both of them well.

"lasek recovery marijuana": I used Percocet and Vicodin, not pot. Just for the record. If you choose otherwise, I wish you well.

"little virgins": Sufficed to say, I wish them well. It's entirely possible that search came from Pup, who is known to lust over slightly-less-than-legal females. He, too, I wish well. But not in an icky or illegal way.

"banging elisha cuthbert": I've made my objections to that concept well known over time. Others disagree. Them I do not wish well.

More later...

Blogging from the bench

2005-04-13T09:48:00.000-05:00

Paul Shirley may have the best job on earth - NBA player who doesn't actually need to play. Now the full-time bench warmer has a blog on NBA.com, and he writes far better than he plays: it's one of the funniest damned things I've read lately. (Creditline: Thanks to Matt Taylor for pointing it out.)

In addition to talking about actual games (We had put together a solid road trip and were excited to go home. (I really felt like I had a stellar set of games. Min: 0, TP: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo.), he writes about the difficult social life for a journeyman baller (So, where is the problem? I am 27, have no children, no wife, and no serious girlfriend and, while I am no male model, am not going to make anyone’s All-Ugly Team anytime soon. (Incidentally, my version of this year’s team has two members from Minnesota, one from the Milwaukee Bucks, one from the Warriors and one from the Portland Trail Blazers. In the interest of not getting the [crap] kicked out of me, should I actually play in a game against one of these teams, I will keep the exact identities to myself.) and, most importantly, insight into the Suns' road-trip poker games:

I started off strong, but got cocky. Early on I was wheeling and dealing but, before I knew what happened, I lost most of my early winnings. Like an amateur, I panicked at the sight of my shortened stack and, instead of remaining patient—the mark of some semblance of ability in the game—I tried to make up my losses all at once. (Warning: Poker lingo ahead.) My Ace-Jack of spades did not hold up against Tim Kempton’s pocket Kings, and my chip rack was wanting for residents. I bought back in (read: donated another $20). It was an unwise move. I should have known it was not my day on the poker table.

Our little plane ride poker game has become a road trip fixture. The usual participants are the aforementioned Tim Kempton (radio for the Suns), Kevin Tucker (security and/or social coordination for the players), Mike Elliott (assistant trainer), Amaré Stoudemire (All-Star power forward), and myself (obscure Suns player and narrator of this poor attempt at embedded journalism). We get occasional cameos from the likes of Eddie Johnson and Dan Majerle, when they find a few days between tee times and make a road trip for TV, but the core usually remains the same.

I'm surprised at how candid some of the posts are, especially considering it's hosted on the NBA's website:

I am afraid Memphis may get kicked out of the league. I could be mistaken, but I think they started three white guys— three American white guys at that. I am pretty sure there is a rule against that somewhere—some kind of quota, I think. Maybe I am wrong. I guess we will find out soon, when they have to bring back the Cincinnati Royals to fill the void the Grizzlies leave behind.

Link to the blog is now found under "Worth Reading" on the sidebar.

If ever we needed Night Rabbi...

2005-03-28T11:26:00.000-05:00

My college roommate, James of furdell.com fame, and I have long thought we could sell some cable network on our pilot idea, Night Rabbi. Simple concept: rabbi by day, crimefighter at night.

Now I think network television might be ready for our vision, per the last section of Today's Papers at Slate:
In an effort to cash in on the great appetite the American public seems to have for religious entertainment, several TV networks are currently developing comedy and drama series that have spirituality as a central theme, reports the WSJ. Of course, networks can't help but add their own twist to this religious programming. NBC, for example, is developing a drama called Book of Daniel, in which Aidan Quinn will play the role of a drug-addicted cleric who talks about his problems with a "hip, modern-day Jesus." The cleric will have to deal with his daughter getting arrested for marijuana and having a gay son. For its part, Fox is developing a series titled Briar + Graves, about an excommunicated priest who fights evil in the name of God but also likes hard liquor and guns. Not surprisingly, some think this strategy might backfire on the networks.

Attention CBS, ABC and HBO:
He's a rabbi. He fights crime at night. He's... NightRabbi!

Yak Attack

2005-03-28T10:49:00.000-05:00

Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip,

That started in Fort Lauderdale,

Aboard a fishing ship.

To celebrate his birthday last week, Medium Ray decided he wanted to going on a fishing trip. Putting aside the broader question of Jews on a fishing trip, it seemed like a fine idea - Florida's two-week period of spring is here, so it's warm but mild. Even though my interest in catching actual fish is nil, I figured a day with sun and beer could only be good.
Foolish Big Pinz.
First of all, Lady Pinz and I got stuck in Easter Weekend traffic around Fort Lauderdale Beach, so we were running late and everyone else had to cajole the boat to wait for us.
Turns out, we'd have been better off missing it altogether.
For some reason, the water was incredibly choppy, even though it was an otherwise nice day. That made for a rough ride.
Not helping matters was the fact that this was not a pleasure-cruiser. It was a bit old and (not surprisingly) smelled strongly of fish. The only seating were flat, backless wooden benches that lined the rails. The top deck, which was restricted to crew, kept most of the sun away from us.
I don't want to overreact here: nearly everyone on the four-hour trip found it perfectly enjoyable. The boat provided good quality rods and reels and baited all the hooks, etc. All we had to do was cast and relax.
Neither Lady Pinz nor I took Dramamine or anything else. She has been on a number of cruises without problem. I used to cover the Navy when I was a reporter at the newspaper in Jacksonville, and have been through some pretty rough seas on some pretty small ships. Neither of us ever had a problem.
Until Sunday.
Less than 30 minutes into the trip, Lady Pinz was hanging her head over the side and feeding the fish. This certainly would've been enough to send LiAps joining in - he can't stand to smell, hear or, God forbid, see it, and is probably getting nauseous just reading this - but I just felt bad in sympathy, because there was nothing I could do to make her feel better or get the boat to go back in early.
A little bit later, maybe 30 or 45 minutes, I suddenly started feeling flush and dizzy, and I knew my pride (and my breakfast) were about to go overboard.
The crew members and some of the regular fishermen on the boat told us we'd feel much better after having purged.
Oh, how wrong they were.
I managed to avoid getting sick again, but was miserable for the rest of the afternoon. Lady Pinz had it even worse, yawning at the water every 30 or 40 minutes.
To top it all off, hardly any fish were caught the entire day... I think three fish total, only one among our friends, on a boat with maybe 30 people in four hours.
We miserably dragged ourselves home when the boat docked around 5:30, skipping Medium Ray's birthday dinner. We managed to stay awake long enough to take hot showers, slurp down some plain noodles and crawl into bed.
Twelve hours later, when the alarms went off this morning, we both felt nearly human.
The moral of our story? I have no freaking idea, but we have no intention of canceling our cruise this fall.

Ho-hum...

2005-03-08T16:05:00.000-05:00

Between a busy travel schedule, busy work schedule and general lack of anything exciting to share with the blogosphere, APATT has been awfully quiet these last few weeks.

I still have nothing add that is either relevant or true.

Instead, I'm adding a link to The Dialog Blog, in which some funny dude from San Francisco posts snippets of dialogue he overhears around town.

My favorite current example:

"Step aside, we're the heroes of lunch."
"We are?"
"Quiet. My powers are to choose from Chinese, Mexican, or burgers."
"What are my powers?"
"You buy."
"I want your powers."
"Sorry, they're unique to me."
"I have the power to tell both of you that you're lame."

There's also a search box for Amazon.com, purely because I get about 50 cents every time someone buys something through that link. It's my get-rich-slow scheme.

Color by Number

2005-02-02T11:11:00.000-05:00

According to this site, which matches various "causes" to their respective ribbon/annoying-rubber-bracelet colors:

- Epidermolysis bullosa has jumped on AIDS and DUI victims, which use red and are the first ones I remember.

- The light blue for tsunami victims also signifies trisomy 18, thyroid disease, substance abuse, sexual assault, scleroderma, pro-choice, prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, myasthenia gravis, lymphedema, eating disorders, esophogeal cancer, graves disease and something called gerd.

GUY: Hey, there... I see you, too, are pro-choice... maybe we should get together sometime.
GIRL: No, actually, I have gerd.
GUY: [gone]

- I love the fact that domestic violence and animal abuse both use purple. We don't care what you beat, as long as you're beating something. Although foster care is also purple, and I assume they're not interested in the beating of foster children. Maybe I'm wrong on that.

- Education and child abuse both use blue. Which makes sense.

- Credit to the breast cancer folks, who almost cornered the market on pink. But testicular cancer and those damned birth parents had to jump on the bandwagon, though - by my count, pink, white and purple are all tied up in adoption.

- What the hell are yopa, vacterl and aphasia? Are they related? Is that why they all wear grey?

- "Peace On Earth"? Are they serious? With a white bracelet?

- Do you have to tally up your scores to decide which ones to wear? Would a pro-life advocate (white) who survived an eating disorder and prostate cancer wear light blue, even though it's also the pro-choice color? What if they were going to protest at an abortion clinic? How about a pro-choicer who's also an adoptee that survived bone cancer and retinoblastoma while supporting world peace? That's 4-1 in favor of white!

- What about blends? Does someone supporting AIDS awareness (red) and missing children (yellow) automatically support leukemia, cultural diversity, reflex sympathetic dystrophy, hunger and self-injury (orange)?

- Hospice care and Caesarian section are both burgundy - help on the front end, help on the back end.

Credit where it's due: this post was inspired by a story on Slate.

The (Hopefully) Last Word on Cuthbert

2005-01-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, this conversation has dragged on and on...

Here are pictures of six Canadian women...

Neve Campbell

Jill Hennessy

Shania Twain

Pamela Anderson

Linda Evangelista

Elisha Cuthbert

I dare anyone to stand up and say Cuthbert would be his first choice. And if she can't even beat five other Canadian chicks, I think we know where she stands in the global sense.

Cast your vote in comments.

The Cat Lady Returns

2005-01-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

60 cats? Who the hell needs 1 cat, let alone 60 cats? What is it with women and and cats? And not only one or two cats, but 60? I think more than three cats and you officially become a "Cat Lady" (and one that does not look like Halle Berry.) Come on people. See the link.
The Cat Lady Cometh

Worthy Reading

2005-01-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

I've been tinkering with the sidebar a little the last few weeks, as you probably haven't noticed.

The "Friends" heading includes links to the blogs of people we actually know in a flesh-and-blood, real-world sense.

The "Worth Reading" section hooks up to the various and sundry neat-o places in the blogosphere. The newest additions are Standing On The Box, a fun read by a New York club bouncer, Josh Reads Comics, a great blog about newspaper comic strips, and Chatological Humor, which is not really a blog at all, but a weekly online chat with the Washington Post's humor writer, Gene Weingarten.

If you like them: you're welcome.
If not: change the channel.

Another reason to avoid Wal-Mart

2005-01-18T10:32:00.000-05:00

As if barefoot shoppers and the persistent stench of mediocrity wasn't enough...

Elderly driver runs over 2 at Wal-Mart

Concidentally, I was at a Wal-Mart for the first time in probably five or six years this morning. I decided to have laser eye surgery next week, so I can't wear my contact lenses anymore. But I also can't drive outside without sunglasses, so I needed to buy those ultra-hip clip-on shades to wear over my regular glasses.

So it goes without saying that I am looking HOT.

But I am pretty psyched about the procedure. Instead of getting LASIK, which I guess lots of doctors are phasing out, I'm getting something called PRK. It's similar to LASEK - fewer complications and better results than LASIK.

The only real downside is the recovery period: I'll probably be uncomfortable and nearly blind from the time the procedure ends next Thursday until the following Monday or Tuesday, around four days. Still, my mom just had it done, as have a few other reporters here at the Herald, and they're all very happy with it.

I've worn glasses since I was 7 or 8 and contacts since I was 10 or 11. My prescription is really strong: -8.5 in one eye, -7.75 in the other, so I'm about 20 minutes from selling pencils on the sidewalk.

I'll try and blog a little after the procedure to give you a sense of what it feels like.

Our neighbors to the north

2005-01-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Just for the record, LiAps insists he is not having sex with any Canadian women, including Samantha Bee.

That means there are all kinds of hot (and probably very submissive) women with whom LiAps is not engaging in carnal knowledge.

Just thought you should all know.

New Blogging.....

2005-01-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

Little Pinz has just began a new blog (see our "friends" section here as well) concerning what I call, "Quick Hits" which are short, sarcastic comments about the weekly issues within the everlasting messed up world of professional sports. So please stop by and read the new blog as well, leave feedback about how funny, ridiculous or just plain ole stupid the info is (thats for you LiAps). It can be found at
PinzurSports.

Underrated Film? Cause the Man is keeping him down....

2005-01-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

This weekend I saw the movie, Undercover Brother, for the first time. I remember seeing preivews for it, but never saw it. And since Big Pinz and Lady Pinz got me a two month subscription to Netflix for my birthday, I have been seeing movies I had not ever really thought about seeing before and seeing randoms. Undercover Brother falls into the latter category. I would put him at the Martin Lawrence level of comedy. Plus, Doogie Howser, M.D. is in the movie working for the Brotherhood, as a white intern for the black group thanks to affirmative action. Dave Chappelle is in the movie as the Conspiracy Brother. Charlie Sheen's wife and unbelieveably hot Denise Richards plays "The Man's" ultimate weapon to a black man, a white woman. Chris Kattan, formery of NBCs S.N.L., plays the lead villain as Mr. Feather. There are two great cameos in this movie of the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, and former Colt 45 spokesman and Lando Calrissian himself, Billy Dee Williams. Williams was a decorated general and was going to run for presidency when "The Man" hires Mr. Feather to control William's mind and to make him not run for president but to announce that he was starting a chain of Fried Chicken Restaurants callef GFC (General's Fried Chicken).

The infamous Cat Fight between Richards and Aunjanue Ellis (Sistah Girl) is some of movie history's greatest moments. Ok, maybe that is a bit extreme, but the scene is truly hot. Hilarious stuff.

I think I laughed my way through the whole movie with sterotypes galore that is only permitted these days in your own home, under the sheets with the lights off. There and out of Rev. Al Sharpton's mouth. But, honestly, one of the funniest movies I have seen in quite some time. If you are looking for a surprisingly funny movie, this is the one to get your hands on. I give it two picks and one fro' up.

Welcoming Back Little Pinz to the Board

2005-01-04T10:59:00.000-05:00

I know many of my fans have been wondering, once again, "Hey, where is Little Pinz and his great post?" In fact, I left a small post recently to which I had legions of people happy to hear from me again and made note of how much they loved my post and see that my dedication was back. But have no fear, I am back, and ready to take on more of those wacky emails all of the fans of the Pinzur Blog have recently submitted.

Question #1:
I heard that Little Pinz went on a crazy Crack, Heroin and alcohol binge and hence was unable to type logical posts, and the ones he did type were quickly deleted by Big Pinz due to the fact that the comments were rather crude and quite obscene. Is this true?

Steve C. Memphis, TN

Answer:
Well, much like Bill Cosby and his "There is always room for J-E-L-L-O", I believe firmly that there is always room for "B-I-N-G-E". Especially around the New Years Celebrations. Which I still consider the most overrated day of the year, but to which I still celebrated rather hard and saw not one, nor two but seven, yes, seven people passed out on the sidewalks on New Years Night. So, to them, congrats. But I always enjoy non-New Years Binge Drinking. As for Crack and Heroin, I dont do those as much any more mostly because Crack leaves my mouth dry and heroin leaves me with yearning for more and Citibank still would like their Mortgage repayment EVERY month, so I give it to them instead.

In all actuality, the main reason for my disappearance coincided with my office building here in cloudy Chicago, IL catching on fire and rendering three floors completely ruined (two due to fire and one due to water.) Fortunately, my floor was not harmed at all (I am on 16 of a 45 floor building.) But on the night of the fire, by 10:30 PM I had a plane ticket out to Anaheim, CA (Home of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim) and was out there for the rest of the week. Then the following two weeks I was at an alternative location out on Chicago's far west side in the middle of El Barrio (I was able to recall Spanish I had not spoken since my Junior year in college in Cancun, although I am not sure Spanish/slur is a language.) But I am back in my office at 135 S LaSalle Street in Chicago and I am re-energized for more interesting posts, or at least posts. I will do my best to post nothing but interesting articles and fun stories...therefore I will probably disappear again.

Question #2:
If you are playing Texas Hold 'Em and have Ace-8 suited, is that a good play if you are near the button and there are many people (in a table of ten) that have called the blinds?
Paris H. Los Angeles, CA

Answer:
I have answer on that one, but I will allow Big Pinz to answer this one since he has already posted info on Texas Hold 'Em and could probably give you a 30 minute explanation on this subject since he is always to the point and never talks just to hear himself talk. I say, I like that that play to see the flop. If no Aces and/or not two hearts then get out, otherwise, you might pull out a good hand. Big Pinz, you may have the floor for the next 30 minutes now, I am gonna go nap while you answer this.

Question #3:
Are you really one Badass Muthafucka you always gets the ladies?
Tyrone Brooklyn, NY

Answer:
More than you know...........I one time got a lady to serve me lunch. Now that was awesome. I believe her name was Flo.

Thanks for the emails. Keep em coming. As you can see, I replied to all the emails we have gotten since the last post back on August, 31st 2004.

Deep Breath for All Guys...This one May Hurt

2004-12-31T13:14:00.000-05:00

There is nothing else better to explain this story, but ouch and yuck.

Birthday Alert!

2004-12-20T15:28:00.000-05:00

JAMES IS OFFICIALLY GETTING OLD.

But he used to drive my car home during college on nights when I had no business operating heavy machinery...

and he let me crash on his couch every weekend when I lived in a crappy little town, even though he had a girlfiend and lived in an apartment with walls that didn't quite reach the floor or the ceiling...

and he very politely made sure I had a full drink in my hand before telling me he was getting married...

and he kept plenty of full drinks in my hand as a grrrrrroomsman when I was getting married....

... so for those and many other favors, we'll just say he's maturing nicely.

National Crapulence

2004-12-15T10:32:00.000-05:00

Going into National Treasure last night, I knew it wasn't going to be good. My friend Jason (aka Medium Ray) and I just felt like seeing a movie, and since one of us had seen everything else, we ended up with this one.

We assumed it was a sad Hollywood excuse to make a movie out of DaVinci Code without actually owning the rights to DaVinci Code, which is scheduled for a 2006 release.

The last time we had to settle on a movie under similar circumstances, it was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and we got exactly what we expected: not very good, but amusing and distracting. We hoped National Treasure would be the same.

We ended up staying not only through the whole move, but also most of the credits: I needed to know who to blame.

Jon Turteltaub, Jim Kouf, Oren Aviv, Charles Segars, Cormac Wibberley and Marianne Wibberley: if I see you on the street, I will kick you vigorously.

As a former roommate to James, I've been subjected to some cinematic fecal matter before (Disco Godfather, Cool As Ice... do I really need a third example?) but this was absolutely the worst of the bunch.

First of all, it ran more than two-and-a-half hours without spending any time actually, y'know, developing characters. At one point, Nicolas Cage just grabs Diane Kruger and kisses her, as if to say, "Holy crap - we're 90 minutes into this movie and there's absolutely no plot-driven reason for us to get romantically involved. We'd better move this train down the tracks."

Second complaint: Diane Kruger has a pronounced German accent, which is addressed briefly in the movie by saying that she's an American citizen born in Germany. But it's so unusual to have the chief archivist at the National Archives played by a woman with an accent, I assumed it would be worked into the narrative with some kind of shocking revelation that her ancestors helped write the Declaration of Indepdence or something. I was wrong - my current assumption is that they simply couldn't find an actress without an accent who was willing to take such a mindless, vapid role. It's sort of like why Coca-Cola used Max Headroom as the spokesman for New Coke - no human willing to shill for the garbage.

I'll skip complaints three through 424 and go all the way to the end: there are lots of good treasure-hunt flicks, and they all require some suspension of disbelief as they pursue the Holy Grail or Ark of the Covenant or Blackbeard's Treasure or an original John-Holmes-Dick-Jello-Mold (hi, LiAps) or whatever...

But only in 2004 does the treasure have to be every freakin' antiquity in history. Because OF COURSE the American founding fathers were entrusted with trinkets from the Library at Alexandria, Pharoah-era Egypt, Ancient Rome and Greece, Medeival Europe. After all, THEY WERE AMERICANS - who else should be hoarding all that stuff?

If anyone is tempted to see this movie, please send me the money you would spend on the ticket, and I will gladly beat you over the head with a bronzed copy of the Indiana Jones trilogy - you'll enjoy it much more.

Fleeting fame...

2004-12-13T10:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my unquestionable photography talents (read: being the only one sober enough to operate a camera) at Dave Barry's annual Herald newsroom holiday party this weekend, one of my pictures is featured on Dave's blog this morning, showing Jim DeFede's triumphant return to South Florida after his cross-country courier service for the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

As payment, Dave was forced at knifepoint to take a picture with me.

Less savory pictures available upon request.

Cheese Sandwich Update

2004-11-30T10:53:00.000-05:00

IMPORTANT NATIONAL SECURITY INFORMATION

The grilled-cheese sandwich bearing the likeness of the Virgin Mary visited a strip club in Austin last night. It's chaperone, Herald columnist Jim DeFede, reports that many of the dancers wanted to pose for pictures with it. He also had a good night at the poker tables with the sandwich in tow.

Like there are any virgins in South Florida...

2004-11-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have been following a story out of South Florida this month about a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that a local woman says bears the face of the Virgin Mary. She sold it on eBay for $28,000 to an online casino.

My colleague Jim DeFede, our local columnist, volunteered to drive the sandwich from Miami to Las Vegas, and he's writing about the trip as he goes. It's one of the most entertaining things online right now.

When you've got a little time, pop over to Follow The Cheese, and click on the archive link to start at the beginning.

My favorite entry so far is about the chilly reception he got from the folks who guard a Clearwater bank building where Mary's face supposedly manifested in a window. Competition's a bitch.

If she doesnt have arms, she cant talk back?

2004-11-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

A mother in Plano, Texas (where else but in Texas, home of the Dubya), cut off the arms of her almost 11-year-old daughter. Read this gruesome story and realize that not being allowed to go out one Saturday night in High School by your parents was not all that bad in comparison to losing your arms...and then dying. Great picture of the mother as well.
Fun Mother

For Those of You who Loved the Subservient Chicken......

2004-11-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

Here is a Brand new one for those 13 year old boys. The VIRTUAL BARTENDER!
And she is pretty hot. But, be careful what you wish for.

An Open Letter

2004-11-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

To The Person or Persons Who Somehow Obtained My Debit Card Number:

You are shit.

I have no idea how you obtained the account number, only theories.

I have no idea how you used that number, despite the fact that I still had the actual card, to spend $50 to $100 at each of 10 or 15 gas stations in a single day.

I have no idea what you want to do with $500 to $1000 worth of gas, overpriced toothpaste, Hostess Sno-Balls, various jerky, slightly rusted cans of Barbasol and Miller High Life.

I have no idea whether you considered the impact that $500 or $1000 would have on a person who actually works to earn their money – whether it would impede things like paying the mortgage, buying the groceries and keeping the lights on. Among my people (humans) it is considered rude to lie, cheat and steal your way to comfort.

I have no idea whether you are aware of the time and hassle required to work with a bank to handle such things - although I imagine it's far less than the time and hassle that will be required of you by the police, prosecutors and judges.

But there is one thing I do know: I was overjoyed to sign the bank’s request to cooperate in any way possible to locate, apprehend, prosecute and punish your worthless punk ass.

A few things for you to keep in mind:

1. Since we were in Chicago when you went on a spending spree through Citgos, Amocos and Racetracs in Miami, it will be ridiculously easy to prove that all those expenditures were fraudulent. (You can look those words up in a dictionary. It’s a book of words.)

2. Gas stations, while probably easy places to get away with your particular brand of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, constantly-drooling fraud, are also notorious for having security cameras.

3. If you think your actions cost me significant time and money, be warned that it’s nothing compared to what I’m willing to expend to find you.

4. I’m a lot smarter than you are, and a lot meaner.

See you soon,
Big Pinz

Classic? Rock?

2004-11-08T14:10:00.000-05:00

Today is a postcard-perfect day in Miami - blue skies, warm sun, 81 degrees... we even saw wild parrots flying around while we ate lunch at a sidewalk cafe in South Beach.

While cruising across the MacArthur Causeway with the convertible top down and the Classic Rock station on my XM Radio, however, there was a disturbing sound.

The sound of Tommy Tutone.

We could go 'round and 'round arguing the merits (or lack thereof) involved in '80s rock and, for that matter, in classic rock.

But is there really a compelling argument to be made that "867-5309 Jenny" belongs on the same station as Eric Clapton and the Rolling Stones? And is a song released in 1981 honestly eligible for classic rock status?

I vote no.

Hot, Wild, XXX Political Action...

2004-11-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

The high jinks continue at my old newspaper, the Florida Times-Union in Jacksonville. This comes from a column written Sunday by their reader advocate:

While Times-Union reporters fanned out to polling places last Tuesday, the most interesting flub of Election Day happened on the newspaper's own front page.
A toll-free number to a non-partisan organization tracking the election turned out to be painfully wrong. Instead, the wrong number referred callers to a sex talk service. Of course, this never should have happened, since the newsroom's policy is that all phone numbers should be called before publication.

Anyone who knows Jacksonville - perhaps the most conservative, religious city in Florida - will have a true appreciation for the beauty.

Social Darwinism continues to glow, and me without my fork

2004-11-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

A man in the Taipei Zoo hopped the fence and jumped into the Lion exhibit. With his hands raised he tried to convert the two Lions to Christianity. Lions. Lions. Big mane, sharp teeth, tails, big paws, and, oh yeah, the King of the friggin' Jungle. How derranged must you really be to try and convert lions to Christianity? I thought the crusades were over. I know jihad is still going on in the Middle East by blowing yourself up in the name of God. But converting lions to Christianity? I believe they enjoy eating meat on Fridays, so you can count them out. Also, and this is one of my favorite parts, the lions had been fed earlier in the day, had they not the man would have gotten more than a lion bite on his leg.

Also, remember when you were a kid and someone would bite, and that was considered wussy (see Mike Tyson), how come when a lion bites you, it isnt? Do they not have to go back to the pride knowing that the lionesses will be looking at him differently since he bit the derranged lunatic versus beating him up Simba-Style? Anyways....

And for a closer insight we go to our NBA correspondent, Allen Iverson,
"Allen, what do you think of the situation?"
"We're talking about an animal. Not a human, not a human. We're talking about an animal."
"Ok, thanks for the insight."

Check out the lion converting story

I am pretty happy too....

2004-11-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

Houston Rocket Guard, Tracy McGrady, signed a four year contract extension for a mere $85.7 Million. By signing this contract, the final year of the contract, the 2010-2011 season, he will "earn" $24.1 Million. When asked about the extension McGrady told a Houston television station that, "I'm pretty happy about that. It's one thing I can ge off my mind." You know, I am pretty happy too for him. This is an excellent basketball player. I mean, he definitely deserves this kind of money for taking a ball and putting it into a circular hole.

Hell, if I make one year of his contract over my entire lifespan, I may just start dancing in the street in rush hour traffic on Michigan Avenue in Chicago to celebrate. This conceited jerk gets to make this kind of money for multiple years and all he an say is that he is "pretty happy". Screw him. This is why I really enjoy seeing the NBA slowly destroy themselves.

T-Mac signs multi-million dollar contract extension

You best be getting home before your kids rob me in 15 years....

2004-10-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

In the words of Chris Rock, you can get your groove on or you can get your kids on but you can get both on. As long as the kids call their mother's mom and not by their first name they still have a chance. Also according to Chris Rock, if the kid calls his grandmother, "mommy" and his momma, "Pam", kid is going to jail.

Two mothers left their children at home alone to get to a local bar. The eldest was an 11-year-old. One mother had children at the ages of 11, 9 and 5. The other mother had children at the ages of 9 and two. Read this article.

http://www.theindychannel.com/news/3864872/detail.html?subid=22100444&qs=1;bp=t

My kind of anti-terror policy

2004-10-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's a stupid forwarded e-mail, but I like it. Besides, it's better than anything John Ashcroft's going to suggest.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY. AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Overreliance on Spell Check...

2004-10-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

A colleague here at the Herald points out this lovely typo in a press release from The Cat Network (yes, it really exists):

"Their grassroots efforts have resulted in the slaying and neutering of over 24,000 of South Florida's stray felines ..."

We'll see what Bob Barker has to say about THAT.

The wackos you know from a former life

2004-10-20T15:48:00.000-05:00

Well, its official. Yup. I am officially heading straight form work to a psychologist. It turns out that a guy I use to work with at a day camp was recently arrested for soliciting the services of a 15 year-old boy. He is 33 years old and was arrested when he was to meet the boy but instead found a sheriff's officer waiting for him instead. Now, most of us questioned many things about him. His sexual orientation and the fact that he was an odd dude. A large man of probably about 325 lbs, he also strangely enough worked at a kids day camp for many a years. Please read the attachments for full details.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/north/chi-0410200362oct20,1,7111129.story

So heres to you Dave Costello, and have a barf-bag on me. Just as long as a little boy is not in it.

When Pigs wear skirts....

2004-10-17T20:09:00.000-05:00

On ESPN's Sunday Night Football, when talking about the new Illegal Contact*, one of ESPN's crack-squad commentators, Paul Maguire, mentioned that with more and more penalties protecting people permitting less vicious hits (which I am all for), that it only leads to more and more skirts. To which Mike Patrick came back with, as long as it does not make its way into the television booth. ESPN, I am sure, is paying Mr Maguire a large sum of cash to tell us that more penalities to protect its players are effectively putting more and more skirts on these players. That, and probably steroids. God, I love football and football annoucers. What other sport will you find an announcer profess that on National TV?

Definitely not on Fox, ever since Thom Brennamen made two mentions of one of a Fox affiliate, Fox Sports', The Best Damn Sports Show on TV, and was fined by the FCC. To which, Fox changed the shows name to the Best Sports Show on TV, that and was reimbursed by the Bush campaign.

*the illegal contact rule is a rule that beyond 5 yards from the line of scrimmage in football, defensive players cannot make contact to an offensive player until that player actually receives the ball. If you want to know more, look up the rules.

Plagiarism and Porn

2004-10-15T17:56:00.000-05:00

I'm back on my old turf of Jacksonville again this weekend, writing about voting problems here (surprise), and came upon these stories in the local alternative weekly paper. (There are links at the bottom to the sidebars, which are worth reading.)

Basically, the long-time Editorial Editor at the Florida Times-Union, my old paper, has been stealing much of his writing. That's THE cardinal sin in newspapering.

He was also downloading a whole bunch on Internet porn - I love that angle, because he's an ULTRA-right wing religious conservative. He wrote an editorial while I was there, arguing against affirmative action because slavery was only "a brief period" in American history. I was part of a group of reporters who wrote a petition to have it retracted, but they never did.

I fought personally with this guy, Lloyd Brown, a number of times. We went 'round and 'round on his frequent factual errors - we was always an unprofessional, cowardly jerk. There is MUCH schadenfreude in my heart today.

The kicker is that, according to my old friends at the paper, the publisher was made aware of the plagiarism years ago and has done nothing to stop it. Even after it was exposed this week, he's evidently not been suspended or anything.

Of course, it would be unethical for me to write a story for my current paper about it - there's no way I could be unbiased against this human turd. But it was perfectly legitimate for me to tell a few of our editors about it and suggest they assign another reporter. I'd love to see this story told all over the country.

Here's to you, Lloyd. Karma's a bitch.

Theater of the Absurd

2004-10-11T10:44:00.000-05:00

I realize this is a Burger King web site and I have no desire to endorse or support those who denigrate food... but this is the wackiest thing I've seen in a long time.

The Subservient Chicken

Try telling it to eat lunch for a truly frightening experience. Telling it to sleep is also pretty odd, and "fly away" is laugh-out-loud funny.

Jeanne: One Cold, Cruel Bitch

2004-10-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

After I got back from covering Hurricane Jeanne, I promised some photos of the damage. I was working on a tight-ass deadline, so there's not much, but here are two images of an organic cafe/natural food grocery that I wrote about in Melbourne, Fla.

Those used to be floor-to-ceiling windows, essentially the front walls of the store. They had covered the windows with plywood - and covered them well - but the storm was strong enough to rip the aluminum window frames from the building's skeleton.

You can't see, but off to the left, the rest of the front wall was torn off in the same way. The cafe part of the store took the brunt - it was all floored with dark cherry-colored wood, which was destroyed when the rain started rushing in.

Those walls that are still standing? They only survived because they were brand new. Two weeks earlier, Hurricane Frances had ripped those walls off, and the owners replaced them with stronger ones.

The damage was massive. The owner estimated she spent $50,000 after Frances between repairing the store and replacing destoryed or unsellable products. Jeanne, she guessed, was going to be at least as much. Insurance will probably cover much of it, but the deductible was $7,000 - they're always high right on the ocean, and the story is just two blocks off the beach.

So, my friends in New York and Chicago and Boston and Washington, next time you're complaining about the cold weather and blizzards, remember: frostbite won't tear the fucking roof from your house.

Happy Birthday LiAps!

2004-10-03T14:23:00.000-05:00

Go, LiAps... it's your birf-day.

LiAps tries to maintain a veil of anonymity in his blog, so I'll have to maintain that air of mystery by simply posting this picture of us hiking outside Las Vegas... LiAps is on the right.

Here's to you, LiAps.

Good investment

2004-09-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

Anyone want to guess how much this guy is going to be offerred for his web site in the next few days?

I'm still here...

2004-09-30T09:21:00.000-05:00

... and slowly returning to the blogosphere.

My recent absence can largely be blamed on, what else, hurricane season. The Herald sent me up to Jacksonville, my old turf, to cover Hurricane Jeanne. I spent some of that time down in Melbourne, where the damage was pretty serious. I took a few digital pictures, which I'll try and post this weekend.

The worst I saw was a young couple who own an organic grocey store and cafe in a strip mall. The front of their store is floor-to-ceiling windows, which they covered with plywood. But the storm was so strong that it yanked the metal window frames away from the building's steel skeleton. The result: half the store's front walls were laying the parking lot. The worst part was that the only reason the other walls stayed standing was because they had just been installed - replaced after THEY were totalled in Hurricane Frances. They spent around $50,000 cleaning up and replacing inventory from that one, and expected Jeanne's tab to be just as high.

I actually drove through some of the storm's outer bands, getting knocked around I-95 in wind gusts of 50 to 60 mph. A few scary moments, but you haven't known driving freedom until you've done it in a rented SUV with full insurance coverage paid by the company.

We're also in Security Hell here in Miami today. Obviously, we've got the presidential debate at University of Miami, so the city is crawling with Secret Service. We've been seeing Army choppers (Chinooks, I think) flying all over the Dade and Broward County airspace. And, just a few blocks away from the debate site, the Herald is hosting its annual Americas Conference, which includes presidents and prime ministers from many Central American, South American and Caribbean nations.

Hopefully, the world around South Florida will return to normal (as normal as Florida gets) next week.

If there is a Jewish Conspiracy to takeover the world, can I get in on some of that action?

2004-09-24T16:12:00.000-05:00

Due to pressure from Jewish groups, Wal-Mart has stopped selling an anti-semetic book called, "The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion". All about how there is some worldwide conspiracy by Jews to takeover the world, a la"Pinky and the Brain" from the "Animaniacs". If there is a real worldwide conspiracy by Jews to takeover the world with a world population of three, I am so in. Just let me know where I should sign up. I tried using www.jew.com but that did not work. Anyone else have any ideas?

EBay Links can be fun

2004-09-24T12:51:00.000-05:00

Check out this Ebay Link

This one is almost as funny as the guy who put on his ex-wife's wedding dress...not quite, but still way up there. Also, the bitterness with this guy ranks right up there on a typical level that we love to laugh at. So if you love hearing a dude completely make fun of his ex-wife, this is the link for you. Smell you later.

Little Pinz

Tenacity

2004-09-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

Hurricane season in Florida hit the pause button long enough for Lady Pinz and me to get to Chicago over the weekend, where we had ample time to hang out with the parents and the extended family, including the two cousins each getting married in the next six months.

But my story this morning concerns our return to rainy South Florida. As I was getting on I-95 to drive back to our new condo late last night, I noticed about a three-inch lizard on my driver's-side side-view mirror. I figured it was going to have some serious survival issues over the next few minutes.

As I sped onto the highway, I was surprised to see the little guy hanging on. Yeah, he was shaking around a lot and fluttering the windshear, but the punk was hanging on at 75 mph.

It's a good 20-mile drive from downtown Miami to our neighborhood, and the lizard held on the entire time. A few times his back feet were flapping in the wind and I figured he was done for (don't actually know it's a he; I respected its privacy) but he managed to hang on.

I tried taking a couple of pictures with my cellphone, but it was dark and I was, y'know, driving, so they didn't really come out.

It wouldn't have suprised me so much on the windshield, where the motion would have kept him plastered. This was on the mirror, where he should've been thrown off. But when I pulled into the parking lot, he was still there, just chilling.

The fact that this comes in the midst of an innocuous (but stupid) Geico ad campaign with their gecko mascot hanging out in the passenger seat of a car is just gravy.

So this morning, we at All Pinzur, All The Time salute you, tenacious lizard dude. Godspeed.

A New Low

2004-09-14T14:58:00.000-05:00

When it comes to former child stars, the bar for acceptable behavior is pretty low. Thankfully, there's always someone to knock it a rung or three lower.

Former Growing Pains star Tracey Gold, aka Middle Sister Carol, was arrested for DUI in California.

How can that compete with any given Diff'rent Strokes cast member?

She was driving drunk (allegedly) with her husband and THREE YOUNG CHILDREN in the car - almost alll of whom were injured when she flipped their SUV.

Makes you long for the good old days when former child stars only injured themselves. Those kids on Everybody Loves Raymond better take heed.

Happy Dance!

2004-09-13T10:24:00.000-05:00

I feel badly for the folks in the Florida Panhandle or elsewhere on the Gulf Coast who are going to take the brunt of Hurricane Ivan.

That being said - IT'S NOT HITTING US!!

TIME FOR THE HAPPY DANCE!!

I have several theories on why the Hurricane took a sudden and unexpected jog to the west:

- If it hit South Florida, we would likely have been forced out of flying to Chicago to see my family for Rosh Hashana. This would have angered Mama Pinz enough to put some serious fear into even the heartiest of hurricanes.

- In hurricane culture, it's no fun to smack around people who haven't recovered from the last one. If people are already without power, roofs and D batteries, what's the use in hitting?

- Our lead hurricane reporter, who hasn't had a day off in about a month, used his influence at the National Hurricane Center, which, we all know, controls where the hurricanes go.

Other theories? Post your favorite in the comments section.

The Big One

2004-09-09T09:21:00.000-05:00

Blogging from South Florida will likely be on a freeze for the next three to five days. Hurricane Ivan, stronger than either Charley or Frances, is now forecast to hit us pretty much dead-on. The long-term forecasts have a big margin of error, but this is still awfully scary.

One of my coworkers told me a bone-chilling story today about how she was hit by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 - it destroyed the home she had bought three weeks earlier. So we're pretty petrified.

5 PM UPDATE

It looks a tiny bit better this afternoon, at least for Miami. We're still bracing ourselves for a wallop, but there's a glimmer of hope.

Notice the black dots are a little further west. But those black dots are, at best, educated guesses until a day or two before it hits. Also, those dots are just the eye of the storm - the bad weather extends 100 miles or more from that center.

So we wait...

Hurricanes 3, Big Pinz 0

2004-09-08T09:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I've officially cancelled my plans to speak at a conference in Lousiville this weekend thanks the an ominous long-range forecast on Hurricane Ivan. I was really looking foward to it, but I can't risk being stuck in Louisville for an extended period or being away from the newspaper if the storm hits here.

For those keeping score:

Charley: Forces Big Pinz to cancel vacation to Vegas
Frances: Totally screws up Big Pinz and Lady Pinz move to new condo
Ivan: Forces Big Pinz to cancel speaking engagement in Lousiville.

Now I know how the Clippers feel.

And the hits just keep on coming...

2004-09-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

Well, we survived Hurricane Frances largely intact. No damage to our new condo, thankfully, but we had no water for about 24 hours while we were trying to move. We're now basically moved in, but the place is still a wreck of boxes and miscellany, and we have yet to get phone or cable/satellite service.

To top it all off, another big hurricane is heading our way and could be here this weekend. So after Charley cancelled my vacation to Vegas and Frances severely messed up our move, Ivan may force me to cancel a speaking engagement at a journalism conference this weekend.

Normal blogging will resume... eventually.

Florida: Paradise, with 100-mph winds.

Frances: The Bitch of 2004

2004-09-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to let everyone know we're AOK and riding out Frances. The movers came on Thursday morning... 15 minutes into offloading stuff into our new condo, the maintenance crew put up hurricane shutters - the movers had to use the back door to get everything delivered. We had to evacuate shortly thereafter. Made it back for a few hours yesterday to get some unpacking done, but have otherwise been riding it out at our friends' house about 10 miles west.

Truth is, we're not getting the brunt here. Frances has stalled, so we've been getting heavy rain and rough wind for five or six hours and are supposed to keep getting it all night, but it's going to be much worse about an hour north of here.

We hope to be able to go to our new home tomorrow to really start moving in. Thanks to everyone checking in on us.

America Votes... or Naps

2004-08-31T15:21:00.000-05:00

I met my wife a few months after the 2002 elections, so this is the first cycle she's seen from inside the reporter/candidate/consultant bubble. Today is Primary Election Day, which is a big deal in Miami this year - in addition to the Democrats and Republicans nominating Senate candidates (the only really major partisan primary in South Florida today) there are lots of nonpartisan local races: Miami-Dade mayor, especially, but also county commission and county school board seats.

Since I cover education, and since the school board is a big deal here, I'll be in the newsroom until the wee hours... which led Lady Pinz to ask what the heck we do all day on Election Day.

You're looking at it.

A handful of reporters are out at polling places, make sure Floridians have figured out the complex science of casting a vote, but most of us are sitting around the newsroom, trying to kill two hours and 18 minutes until the polls close.

By 6:30, things will be busier. About half of us will out with candidates at their post-election parties, and the other half (including yours truly) will be hitting "refresh" on the Elections Department's web site as we wait for votes to be counted. Because I'm covering three different school board races today - any of which could go to a runoff if no candidate gets at least a majority of the votes - I can't even write a bare-bones skeleton of a story until I have some idea who's leading. Most likely, I won't be able to start writing until at least 7 or 8 tonight.

Still, there's something awesomely amazing about seeing a newsroom full of good reporters pull together for those critical few hours, everyone working at peak efficiency to put out the morning paper with results, context and analysis.

Until then, we wait.

I've had coversations today about the following important, headline-making topics:

- Whether one reporter's boyfriend's nickname (FiFi) is appropriate for a man, even if he is French.
- Whether the Bewitched producers thought anyone would notice when they switched Darrens, and the fact that Roseanne's old sitcom made reference to that when they switched Beckys.
- Whether a picture of a giant turtle on a beach belongs on the front page of an early edition.
- Whether "dweeb" is a word. I stole a great piece of trivia from an old West Wing episode, to wit: the only three words in the English language that begin with "dw" are dwarf, dwindle and dwell. But FiFi's girlfriend argued that dweeb is a word, as well.
- Whether Hurricane Frances will mess up our plans to move into our new condo this weekend. This might be the most pointless conversation of all, because (despite all the "tracks" and "predictions" from forecasters) hurricane paths are almost impossible to predict with any reliability this many days in advance.

So I really have very little to do for the next few hours, and then will have to work frantically. My deadline is 11 p.m., which is fine if all the voting machines work well and the margins in each of my three races are fairly large, but could be tight if votes are still being counted in close races by about 9 or 10.

In 2002, there was a problem with a handful of machines from one neighborhood - a handful whose votes were enough to swing one of my school board races. At 2 a.m. - which is about the latest we can make changes and still have them printed in a decent number of papers - we finally had to leave without knowing the winner.

And don't even get me started on 2000. I was the political reporter at the paper in Jacksonville, Florida, then... and the memory is a cold, dark, scary place in the back of my brain.

In the meantime, our pimp motif again emerges, with the Washington Post picking up on the news (posted here on our blog earlier this month) that you can now buy pimp and ho halloween costumes for your kids.

Mailroom

2004-08-31T14:39:00.000-05:00

So the Pinzur Blog has been going for quite some time now, at least a few months, and hard work and nothing but the Gods honest truth, and plenty of pimpin' action seem to be the norm around here. To keep our readers happy, I have decided to reply to some of the seemingly endless e-mails regarding myself, Big Pinz and, the yet unheard from, Lady Pinz.

So after sifting through 10's of emails (ok, more like 5's of emails), these were the best I got:

E-mail #1: How do you two always come up with the most witty of all blogs that I have ever read on the internet?
Moira - Lansing, MI
Little Pinz: Well, I think we both owe it the invention of Cable TV. Because of it, neither of us have the attention necessary to focus on our jobs all day long and instead choose to search for and read mindless, ridiculous comments and stories. Some dont even seem believable (See my recent post concerning the decapitation of a friend while driving home from a bar drunk.) At least for Big Pinz, it is much more up his alley for his employment responsibilities. Where it has absolutely nothing to do with mine. My employers, whoever they may be, love me.

E-mail #2: You guys seem funny and hot!
Casandra - Little Rock, AK
Little Pinz: Well, Casandra, that was in no way a question. But I think I know what you mean. We both may seem funny and hot, when in all reality, Big and Little Pinz are both as dull as printer paper, but we definitely are hot....ter than any guy at the Republican National Convention...albeit, that is not saying much.

E-mail #3: Do you guys know the Pimp and his ultraviolet lifestyle?
Little Pinz: I dont. Big Pinz might. Although I am sure if I met him on the street I would either run away in fear of being pimped out myself, or talk with him to better understand the pimping lifestyle and see if that could be a possible future career choice for Little Pinz.

E-mail #4: Little Pinz, why is it that most of your posts are incoherent and it gives me a headache simply trying to understand what your point is on almost every post?
Steve - Martinsburg, WV.
Little Pinz: I will kill you Steve! Actually it is mostly because Big Pinz is a professional writer, where I am a professional waste of space, better known as a financial analyst. I work with numbers all day Steve, not drinking moonshine in the basement of my parents house. Hell, I am surprised you can even read coming from the land of the Hatfield and McCoys. How about enrolling in a Community College and learning something other than your sister's bra size.

E-mail #5: Is Lady Pinz as hot as Big Pinz says she is?
John - Miami, FL
Little Pinz: You better watch it, John. You are treading on thin ice. That is my sister you are talking about. But, yeah, she is good looking. Big Pinz got lucky that someone like her would be willing to put up with someone like him.

Ok....that is all for the Email bag for now. Keep sending the emails and I will eventually get to them. I appreciate everyone reading it. All 2,000 of you. Although I could see Big Pinz trying to artificially increase that counter somehow.

It has been awhile, and I know my legion of fans have missed me

2004-08-31T14:31:00.000-05:00

I have been busy with this whole "work" thing, especially now that I have three people who report to me. And since we have had new people working for us, naturally the one thing who do is go out drinking with them. Which we have. One of the past two Thursday nights, I was out until 4:45 AM only to go to work the following morning at 8 (I was awesome that day), followed by a 3 AM day the following week. Therefore, all my free time has been spent getting clean from my sinful ways.

But now, for the newest post. This greatly defines the south. Nothing like a good ole drive home from the bar after knocking back a few dozen beers with an old friend. And what could be better you ask? Why, decapitating his head, not realizing it for another few miles. Still getting home and going to bed in blood soaked clothing and leaving your poor decapitated friend behind in the front seat of your, you guessed it, truck. You dont believe me? Silly rabbit. Just check out this link then. Drunken man drives home with decapitated friend. I love the south for their crazy ways.

Home Buying

2004-08-27T15:44:00.000-05:00

In celebration of Lady Pinz and I closing on our new condo (we'll post pictures next week, after we paint), I humbly present this webpage from a California Realtor.

Look very closely at the third picture from the top.

Thanks to The Rabbi for yet another amusing distraction from doing journalism. His comment on the picture: "Location, location, location."

UPDATE

The original is evidently gone, but here's the photo in question:

Tihs is ralely naet...

2004-08-25T13:59:00.000-05:00

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Pimp My Dork-Ride

2004-08-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

This week's inductee to the There But For The Grace Of God Go I Club is this guy, who converted his '95 Civic into a Star Wars A-Wing Fighter.

The caption of one of these pictures says: "How often have you said to yourself, 'I could cut myself a great parking space if I only had a lightsaber?'"

Another says: This is the stock steering wheel, cut down to a flight yoke. The thumb buttons will control the strobes in the cannons, and the grenade-looking thing controls the stereo and MP3 player. Since I'd disabled the airbags (at Honda's reccomendation) I added detail to the wheel. With ithe bags disabled, I won't get impaled with the dressing in the event of a collision.

Godspeed, guy who calls himself Obi Shawn. Godspeed.

The Wrath of Charley

2004-08-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

As my colleagues from the Miami Herald slowly return home from covering the devastation of Hurricane Charley on the Gulf Coast, with them come the unprintably great stories and images.

Courtesy of a fellow reporter I'll just call The Rabbi, I present this picture, which he assures me has not been doctored in any way. It expresses the way a lot of folks in that area feel this week.

Starting 'em young...

2004-08-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

In keeping the the pimpin' theme this blog has sadly developed, I present this link, for which I have no additional comment.

Child Pimp and Ho Costumes

America West: Sucks or Blows?

2004-08-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

Explain something to me:

America West canceled my 9 p.m. flight to Vegas early this morning, citing weather concerns from Hurricane Charley (which is going to beat the crap out of West Florida, but not have much impact here). Because they're blaming the weather, they won't refund my ticket, but they also can't rebook me on anything until at least late Saturday night - by which time there'd be little point in flying Vegas.

On United, on the same day, from the same airport (Fort Lauderdale), my wife has a 4 p.m. flight to Chicago. It leaves right on time.

So my vacation gets canceled, leading one of my friends to cancel his vacation (he doesn't know anyone else in the group of guys going to Vegas).

Therefore, America West, I salute you with a great upraised middle finger.

Now THAT is a surrender

2004-08-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

In honor of my flight to Vegas being only 12 hours away, I present this example of a bad surrenduer. Unlike blackjack - where I'll surrender like a Frenchman if the situation warrants - this is uncool.

In a lawsuit filed against the South Florida Business Journal in May, a former reporter alleges the publication, part of a national 41-newspaper chpain, has drastically inflated circulation numbers to increase advertising revenues. ...
The case reveals an out-of-control newspaper bent on driving up revenues, ethics be damned. Van Drake paints a picture of hellish practices that range from the malignant (arbitrary limits on story lengths and a new emphasis on "advertorials") to the absurd (a hokey motivational speaker hired to encourage reporters to "surrender'' to management and a subscription-selling competition based on the TV show Survivor).

For the full story, surf here.

Ahhh...the feel good story of the year...or one that may make you vomit

2004-08-11T11:47:00.000-05:00

Patrick Deuel who at his worst weighed 1,072 pounds has recently lost 321 pounds and is hoping to lose another 450 pounds more, is on a 1,200 calorie per day diet.
Deuel partially blames his immense obesity to genetics. I believe a big amount of his obesity stems from the twinkie in his left hand, a cake in his right, a quater pounder from McDonalds on his belly and to wash it down, he drank a glass of gravy.

Link to full story.

If this doesn't make you want to, if not go to the gym, live at a gym, not much would.

My turn for beatdowns

2004-08-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

Let me get one thing out in the open, I hate stupid people. Not the kind of hate like Watermelon gum or rainy days during the summer time. No, no. I mean like, baseball bat across the dome piece (dome piece = your head).

Ah, so you are saying, where does this anger come from? This is where it comes from.

1) I am all sweaty with obvious gym clothes on, with my radio strapped on to my arm.
Stupid Person: Were you at the gym?
Me: Nope, I just go to the supermarket, get real sweaty and then come home.
Stupid Person: All I asked was a simple question.
Me: And all I gave you was a smart-ass answer for asking such a dumb friggin question.

Beatdown

2) I am in the elevator of my building with my golf clubs and a golf shirt.
Stupid Person: Going golfing?
Me: Nope, I am going swimming. I use these as floaties so I dont drown.
Stupid Person: How well do they float? (I swear they said this)
Me: Well, they float about as much as you would expect steel and metal clubs to float.
Stupid Person: Do you think you could start a business with this for kids?
Me: Only if I want to be arrested for killing innocent children.

Beatdown

3) I was in a clothing store looking for help. I found some one that worked there and I figured they could help me.
Me: Excuse me, could you please help me?
Stupid Saleswoman #1: Sure, what do you need help with?
Me: I need some help find clothes in the men's section.
SS #1: Oh, the men's section, I cant help you there. Would you like me to get someone who can?
Me: No, I would just like to stand around there for a while until the store closes and I can simply rob the place.
SS #1: Ok, I will send someone over to help you.

SS #2: Hello Sir, I was told you needed some help. Do you need help?
Me: Well, you already know the answer to that, you said it in your first sentence, someone told you I needed help, and I swear my opinion of the situation still has not changed.
SS #2: Ok, what do you need?
Me: I would like to try on this jacket in an XL, but you dont have anymore out here. Do you have anymore in the back?
SS #2: Hmm...(checks the jackets I was talking about). Hmmm...I dont see any here.
Me: I know, I just told you there wasnt any here. Hence the reason I had you come over here to help me. I could easily get paid $6.60 per hour to tell me that the jacket that I already know is not here in my size, is not here.
SS #2: Would you like me to check the back?
Me: Actually, first I would like you to get me a baseball bat, so that I can beat the crap out of you, and then check the back. But, instead for timesake, could you just check the back?
SS #2: Sure. I will be right back.
5 minutes elapse
SS #2: I am sorry sir, we dont have any more mediums, all I saw in the back were a XXL and one XL.
Me: Hmm..well, the XL sounds ok.
SS #2: You sure?
Me: Well, considering that is what I asked for in the first place, and your dumb-ass interpreted XL as Medium, I would like the XL jacket.
SS #2: Ok, I will be right back.
10 minutes elapse
SS #2 walks out of the back and walks past me
Me: Um, excuse me, did you bring the jacket?
SS #2: Oh, I totally forgot to.
Me: Well, what were you doing back there?
SS #2: I got a text message from a friend that I had to respond to about what we were doing when I was done working.
Me: To be honest, I dont give a flying fuck what you do after this, can you go get me my jacket now?
SS #2: Sure, which jacket was it and what size?
Me: You are the dumbest person I have ever met. The fact that you are not drooling on yourself is quite shocking.
Then I left the store. This was on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. Not only a beatdown, but I want the neighborhood kids to come out and let them deal with their manic depression on this person. Nothing makes a person feel better than beating the crap out of someone, especially a complete and total jackass.

How the other half sleeps...

2004-08-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

I had to post a link to my friend LiAps' story about flying from New York to London in a first-class suite. I want to try this and, like LiAps, I want to do so on someone else's dime.

Four More Years!

2004-08-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

Actually, many, many more... for James & Kimberly, who celebrate their fourth anniversary today.

Leave anniversary greetings in the comments section.

UPDATE: According to sources close to the Furdell marriage, their anniversary is actually tomorrow, Aug. 5. Yeah, I screwed up - I was looking at tomorrow's schedule on my Palm. Doh!

Garciaparra, A Cub?

2004-08-02T08:52:00.000-05:00

Ah the Major League Baseball's Official Trade Deadline came and past at 4 PM EST on Saturday. (Waiver trades can still be made, but the players must clear waivers in order for that to occur, or be traded to the team that claims the player on waivers.)

There were a few minor trades, but only three real big trades at or near the deadline. The biggest trade of them all was a four-team deal that involved the Minnesota Twins, Montreal Expos, Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs. Not surprisingly in modern era baseball, the trades involved some of the wealthiest teams taking proven players from small market ball clubs in exchange for prospects. The Twins and the Expos were almost forced in to making a move in order to get some value back for their players. The biggest names traded were easily, Boston SS, Anthony Nomar Garciaparra(Nomar is his father's name, Ramon, spelled backwards, for all you Jeopardy! and Sports Trivia nuts), Montreal SS, Orlando Cabrera, and Twins 1B, Doug Mientkiewicz.

For the Cubs, they get a player and a position player that they have not had success with since the retirement of Ernie Banks. And those of you who still love Sha-won Dunston, he never lived up to his expectations of being a very good hitter, but he was one of the original "Shaft" players in the league, with his cool mustache, plethora of gold chains, and the infamous Shawn-O-Meter (see this link and the original founder of the Shawn-o-meter, great stuff), that only rivaled Vince Coleman.

Not only does this give the Cubs an extra bat, as well as, not having one real weak slot in their lineup, but it hopefully injects a little life by the management into this team. The team has been winning pretty consistently, except against the hated Cardinals, but have been doing it in an almost catatonic state. Hopefully this move proves to the players that management wants to win and wants to win now. Players are coming off the injured list, most notably Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, at the right time, their arms being much fresher for the final month and a half, as well as the imminent arrival of Greg Maddux's 300th career win. Hope has been renewed and rekindled on the north side of Chicago. People's pre-season expectations, having wallowed in the earlier months of the season due to injuries and inconsistency, are rising again. There is that slight buzz beginning to roll around Chicago, not loud enough nor soft enough to get over-excited or continue the pessimistic way that is all to familiar with this team, but a sense that their time, our time, is now. Their leader, Dusty Baker, has a history of doing better in the latter stages of the season (from resting his players and getting his bench involved throughout the season, to almost falling in line with the Phil Jackson theory of having talented players on his team.)

Now, I am not one of those ridiculously optimistic that says that the Cubs will easily win the World Series nor am I one of those pessimistic Cubs fans that says that the Cubs are wasting their time, but what I am saying now is that they have a starting lineup that can rival almost any teams in baseball, and has a starting rotation as good as or better than anyone elses, and a bullpen that is getting real consistent and strong at the best possible time of the year. The big test for the Cubs will be coming up real soon, starting this Friday and that lasts nine games. They face the San Francisco Giants (currently one game behind the Cubs for third place for the Wild Card) in San Francisco, then come home and face current Wild Card-leader, San Diego Fathers (Padres), then against the newly revamped (and slightly dismantled) first-place Los Angeles Dodgers. If they come through this nine game set with an above .500 record, especially against the Giants and the Fathers, they could be in a real solid position to help themselves achieve their post-season expectations....and then who knows, maybe we will get to see the Cubs' version of Ben Affleck and the Red Sox, John Cusack, a little more often.

Go Cubs!

All Your Resume Are Belong To Us

2004-07-30T12:46:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sometimes has to review resumes for job openings at her company... today she found one with the following objective:

To show employers that can contribute to the company's ambitious.

Her response?

That one's going in the HELL NO pile.

Marijuana: 10 Times Better Than Paxil

2004-07-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Local pothead and newly-retired running back Ricky Williams told one our Herald columnists today that, just days after he decided to retire, he found out he had failed a third drug test.

But it's not a big deal, he said, because marijuana is "just a plant," which he smoked while traveling with Lenny Kravitz.

Besides, it's medicinal:

Williams, who suffers from social-anxiety disorder and was a spokesperson for the anti-depressant Paxil, said marijuana helped him once he had to stop using Paxil because it didn't agree with his diet.
''Marijuana is 10 times better for me than Paxil,'' he said.
Williams said he doesn't see anything wrong with marijuana because it is ''just a plant'' and his hero, Bob Marley, admitted to smoking it daily. Williams has Marley tattooes all over his body, named his first child Marley and is friends with Marley's children.

And more...

Williams said he continued smoking throughout his time as Dolphins, stopping only for a month here and there, but passed random tests by drinking 32 ounces of a masking agent called Extra Clean and chasing it quickly with 32 ounces of water.

What can I even say to top that.

Vegas: Now and Forever

2004-07-29T08:43:00.000-05:00

My brother, myself and a few of our friends are heading out to the Adult version of Disneyland, also known by the more familar name of Las Vegas. Now, we are not heading out there for two more weeks, but still, the only thing running through my head is Vegas. I am thinking about how much money I want to take with, how much I need to win if I ever want to continue paying my mortgage, maybe a plastic football full of beer, 115*F , the sun and not coming to work on Monday.

On ESPN.com, the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, wrote in one of his columns about a trip to Vegas, that there is no better thrill, adrenaline rush and pure-out excitement, then when one friend sends out the mass e-mail with but one word in the Subject line, "Vegas".

This time around, I was sitting doing my mindless numbers thing at work, when my Lotus Notes popped up that I had a new message. Being the crazy dog I am, I clicked on the "Read Mail" button. And there it was, much like Ralphie from a "Christmas Story" when he first saw his Red Ryder BB gun, the word that brought back nothing but good thoughts, happier times, doubling-down, throwing $10-20 on Hardways in Craps, getting drunk and riding on the Rollercoaster at New York, New York, lying in the water in the pool and getting shit-faced.....and an occasional walk through Red Rocks Canyon, that to me is the "Vegas" I know and love. Not that crappy-ass tv drama with a one-time bad-ass turned prom-queen, James Caan (although I still would not want to meet Caan in a dark alley, since he could still kick the crap out of me.)

I think Vegas has truly marketed itself much better than Crack, Cocaine or Heroin, since the rush of a Vegas high can run for the extent of your trip their and even a few days afterwards if things go as planned (which does not necessarily mean winning money.) If you try and do that with Heroin, you would find yourself with a toe tag on, being prepared for a little ride down cemetary lane.

But, one of the mort fun things in Vegas, is the possibility of the celebrity spotting. Now, I could pretty much care less about celebrities when they are on MTV, VH-1 about how good of a life they have, and how they have everything they ever wanted just because she has a small waist and 34DDs, but it can still be kind of cool to spot one, or in my case, play a little blackjack with one.

I was in Vegas for the first time, I went with two other buddies of mine, and we headed over to the Hard Rock Hotel. After circling around trying to find a blackjack table inwhich I could participate in the festivities, but that I found a seat. I sat down threw down my $100 and began to play. I quickly realized that I was at a table with 5 other guys who were all friends and hanging out together. When I looked at each of them, I realized one of them was Matthew Lillard! Yes, Matthew Lillard! Can you believe it? Matthew Lillard. Now, when I say can you believe it, I mean, do you know who he is? Most would say, no. With no surprise from me. Matty, as we call him, has been in a few movies, "Scream", a cameo in "She's All That, "Summer Catch" (both with Freddie Prinze Jr. ), "Scooby-Doo", "Scooby-Doo 2", and this summer's sensation, "Without a Paddle". All serious blockbusters. But he was actually real cool, and when I finally lost all of my $100, since we all were having a good time, he actually tossed a $100 chip my way so that I would continue to play with them. That or he wanted me....which leaves me to conclude that they wanted me to continue to play. Good times.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, is better than the "Hot Streak". Almost every trip you get on at least one "Hot Streak", except for the pinzurblogs good friend, LiAps, who never came close to a "Hot Streak" the whole time I played blackjack with him. The last trip to Vegas was the greatest "Hot Streak" I have ever had. It started out innocently enough with LiAps, Big Pinz and myself walking from our home base of the Luxor, and heading out to the strip via Excalibur. Granted, Excalibur's usual clientele looks like Nick Moore from "Family Ties", but three of us spotted a craps table that was open, and so Big Pinz and Little Pinz began. The table was up and down for the first hour or so. But then it got hot, with $10-20 on the Hardways on the Craps table on money on the Pass line and grabbing odds, the roller decided to get very hot. Many hits on the hard ways were quickly increasing Little Pinz's winnings. And, knowing that I can win twice, I was throwing money on the hardways where I already have odds on or where the "point" was set. Therefore, anytime I hit on the hardways, I was a double winner. By the time the three of us were ready to leave, I felt much more like Matt Damon in Rounders , although still looked much like, unfortunately, Danny DeVito from Twins. Usually once you leave the casino of where the "Hot Streak" began, the "Hot Streak" will officially be over. It is always a sad moment, but not as awful when you have $400 more in your pocket than before you showed up that day. The three of us met up with a few other friends at In and Out Burger, and then on to Downtown Vegas. Big Pinz and Little Pinz sat down at a Single-Deck blackjack table for a little more fun. Neither of us could have expected to continue any type of good luck, we each put down about $100 and began playing. This is when I found out that my "Hot Streak" was in no way over just yet. In "Classic" Single-Deck Blackjack, you are given two cards, both faced-down, and motion with a quick swipe of your cards on the table if you want a hit or slide your cards under your chips representing you wanted to stay. Well, I began pulling cards on my hits that would made Card-Trick Magicians salivate. My $100 quickly grew. From $100 to $200. Big Pinz was doing fine to my right, but it was Little Pinz that was hot. I began throwing down $60, 70, 80 up to $100 per bet and winning. When I got up to $600 and lost a $70 bet, I knew it was time to permit the "Hot Streak" to burn out like a camp fire when all the campers pee on it to extinguish it. But the greatest moment, when I walked over to the cage to cash out my $530 winnings, the cashier (not use to cashing out such huge dollars for downtown Vegas) actually had to call over to the Pit Boss to confirm that I had won this and not stolen it. On our walk back to the car, to return to the strip, is where the Plastic Football full of Miller Lite was found and purchased. For the small price of $4.50, I purchased beer in a football with a straw for easier drinkability. That was some of the best $4.50 I have ever spent in my life.

Now, with only a short time before our trip, I expect nothing from the trip in the realms of winning in gambling. You simply cannot expect to win, there is a reason these huge hotels and casinos exist and how they thrive...by taking my money. But it has been an almost religious Mecca for our group to meet up there, in the words of Eddie Murphy portraying Buckwheat on SNL, "Ounce, Tice, Fee Times...." a year. This weekend, this Vegas weekend, is simply some of the best times I have all year round. I get to see one of my best friends in my brother, and I get to see and spend time with the rest of the Vegas gang, that I proudly call my friends...although a few of them may like (and with reason) to argue the "friends" comment.

So let this trip be no different, lets drink, gamble, sit out in the sun, do a little blow (ok, maybe skip the blow.....maybe) and have another great weekend. If there are any stories legal or ok'd to talk about, remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, I will. Otherwise, you will just have to take my word on it.

People are stupid...

2004-07-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

... and this time it's costing me money.

Over the last few weeks, I've been playing a good amount of poker online. I'm a pretty tight player, so I end up folding most of my hands, which lets me work on other stuff while I'm playing. I enjoy it, it makes time pass more quickly when I've got mundane work, and I've more or less doubled my initial stake.

So tonight I went with a buddy to the card room at the Hard Rock Casino on the Indian reservation here in Miami. And got my ass handed me to the tune of $40.

I blame stupid people.

In the online game at Poker Stars, even the low-stakes games I play, most people have a pretty good idea of what they're doing. The hands proceed fairly predictably and everyone's happy - even when you lose, it's generally despite doing the right thing.

But the same poker renaissance that brought it back to prominence has drived lots and lots of stupid people to the casino card rooms - people who have no serious interest in learning poker or even winning money. They just want to play, and consider wild losses the entertainment cost.

In small doses, people like this are good. They turn up online every once in a while, driving up pots they have little chance of winning, doing the job of good dead money.

But in large quantities, they can really screw up a table. If lots of people are throwing lots of money at fairly stupid bets, it has an odd effect: the odds of one schmo hitting a gut-draw to the straight on the river is innocuously low. But if five or six people are holding nearly-dead hands and betting heavily despite having only one or two outs, the chances of AT LEAST ONE OF THEM hitting is eerily high.

When you can't count of people to fold crummy hands early, there's a whole world of hurt waiting for someone like me. Combine that with the fact that I had generally bad luck, pulling weak hole cards and getting crappy flops on the few decent hands, and you can see the Seminoles stashing my two $20 bills.

Case in point: I was dealt an offsuit A-K in one hand on the button. It's a $1/$2 game, so I raised to $2 and called a reraise to $3.

The flop was a rainbow, something like K-7-3. So I paired up my king, had an ace kicker and saw no flush and no real straight threat. I was a happy boy, and against raised to $2 and called at $3 - by this point, about six of the nine players at the table were still in.

Online, that would faze me, but I had watched for an hour as these gomers limped into big pots with nothing but magic beans in the hole. The turn was a deuce, which wouldn't really help anyone. But still, everyone stayed in and the betting reached $6 each. I was a little nervous, but (if I figure the board right) only a hole pair of kings, sevens or threes could beat me.

The river was another 7. That became a little worrisome, since even a rational player could've stayed in the hand with K-7, and a loose player might still be around with A-7. But the pot odds were in my favor, so I stuck it out.

Five players were still in for the showdown. Every single one had garbage, nothing better than a queen high and a pair of 3s. Except for one royal bastard who 4-7, and won with the set.

I really wouldn't have been angry to lose that hand to hole kings (for the set) or K-7 (for the full house) or even the A-7 (for the set of 7s). But to lose it to some jimmy who tossed more than $10 into a hand that had a king on the board, despite having nothing but a low pair... that is INFURIATING.

Stuff like that happened many, many times tonight. I am a chastened man.

Pimping - The New Black

2004-07-22T10:45:00.000-05:00

Just days after this blog unveiled to the world the crucial news that the ultraviolet flow of pimpin' ain't easy these days, a piece of spam sent by Bloomingdale's declared ultraviolet to be "The Season's New Hue."

Clearly this blog (and Little Rock pimps) are setting the hottest fashion trends. Coming soon to a runway near you: feathers in fedoras.

Once you chew black...

2004-07-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

One of our photographers was recently in Japan and brought back packs of this gum:

It does, indeed, describe itself as "HI-TECHINCAL EXCELLENT TASTE AND FLAVOR."

Those wacky Japanese...